The Muffin Fasco 2013

...back to the resolution.

I was doing really well at not letting MIL's irritating comments get to me.  I would notice them, remember "This is the way she is" and carry on.  For example- she made a comment about Monkey's family birthday party being super long.  Super annoying considering it consisted of my parents, grandparents, 2 sets of aunts/uncles.  That's it.  Monk could've easily napped if I felt she was tired- upstairs in her bedroom.  It was more of just a visit with cake and a few gifts (which I requested be kept very simple/small- like crayons).  She also came close to making me want to punch her when my step-dad asked, "Does she still nap?" to ME and she chimed in "Oh yes.  Long ones."  Really, motherfucker?  Because last time I checked, I get a long nap out of her once a week.  The rest of the time her naps are zero seconds.  Half the time, I don't even put her down for naps and instead put her to bed early.   But I just corrected her.  I couldn't help it.  I recognize I probably shouldn't have even done that.

Anyway, things were going well.  :)

Until last Saturday.  I received an email asking if J's Aunt A could come visit Saturday morning.  I LOVE Aunt A.  She is MIL's sister and I have no clue how they are related.  They clearly grew up in different circumstances (or Aunt A doesn't have a mental handicap) bc Aunt A is a phenomenal, involved grandmother who watches America's Got Talent and other shows and knows who the Kardashians are and just generally is easy to chat with.  And she's NICE.  So J responds that we'd love to see her but he has a work thing on Saturday morning- is there any other time that works bc he'd like to see Aunt A too?  MIL said "no."  Odd since I found out that they did nothing on Friday night but have dinner at my MIL's house and Aunt A slept over... Aunt A mentioned all they did at dinner was talk about their grandkids that they are so crazy about.  The cynical side of me narrowed her eyes and smirked.  Outside I just smiled and nodded.

Anyway, they arrived Saturday and my girls were really excited.  MIL brought her usual blueberry muffins which are fat free and absolutely tasteless.  They are a staple in her cooking queue, unfortunately for us.  Overall it was a fine visit but I started to feel bad as they got ready to leave bc I've been realizing lately that my way of "not letting MIL get to me" is to ignore her- not look her in the eye while she is talking beyond a brief glance, not asking her follow-up questions, not directly engaging her.  And I thought, for the millionth time, "Maybe it's me.  Maybe I am being too cynical and not kind enough.  Maybe if I just step out of my comfort zone and be nice, I will find out that she is super dorky and stuck up, but kind."  See? See what I did?  I tapped into that part of me that wishes we got along.  I ignored Jim's loud and clear statement that "She is NOT A NICE WOMAN.  SHE NEVER WILL BE."  I also was feeling insecure bc I made a few jokes that went over like a lead balloon because they were overly sarcastic and were met not with friendly laughter but with uncomfortable silences.  Oops.   Anyway, as I escorted them to the door I said to MIL to compensate for what I decided was my cold-hearted nature, "Thanks again for the muffins- they looks so good I might eat them all."  Friends, this is OBVIOUSLY a figure of speech.  It isn't even sarcasm.  It's just a figure of speech.  It's like, "It's hot as hell out here."  Actually, hell is probably hotter or if you don't believe it exists, it isn't hot at all, so that statement isn't technically correct.  But when someone says that- you know what they mean.  You don't even think about it.  You usually agree.  "Yeah, it is.  I miss winter."  Or something dumb like that.

What did MIL say to me about muffins?  She paused and looked at me funny as if the statement I gave was confusing to her.  "Well, I was hoping the girls could have some, since they are such picky eaters."  I responded, "Oh, of course.  Hopefully they will like them."  (They didn't).  Then there was another awkward pause and she looked at me and said, "And maybe J would like one too."  I said, "Yeah, for sure."  And I kept walking forward edging her out of my fucking house.  I was starting to realize that this stupid fucking idiot thought I was being literal about eating all of the muffins.  How do you even fix this situation?  I opted to try and ignore it and forget it happened.  But it did bother me more than her average statement.  Mostly because it evidenced to me precisely how hopeless the situation actually was.

Against my better judgment, I sent J a brief text that said, "I made X joke and your mom thinks I'm serious.  It's really difficult to communicate with her."  He responded, "Sorry.  My mom takes every statement that is made very literally.  I think she might have Aspergers."

And brief aside- this is true.  As I mentioned above, I've tried to keep conversations short and sparse for YEARS now.  The best trick is hiding behind my kids- I follow H from room to room and play Legos with the girls and mid-convo run away as H starts climbing the stairs.  This works.  But if I get caught and MIL asks me how my day is going and I say "Fine." And nothing else, she tilts her head, furrows her brow and looks at me like something is seriously wrong and I am hiding information.  It is so g-ddamned patronizing I could vomit.  I absolutely hate being treated like a baby or a child and if something WAS wrong, why would I confide in HER? Why would anyone?  So this is why I not making eye contact to begin with is the best tactic.  It doesn't leave much room for her to address you at all.  She really has to work at it.

Back to the muffins.

So the next day, J calls his dad about a college basketball game and I hear J say, "What? Oh, yes."  I knew what it was about.  I let it go.  A few hours later I said, "Your mom didn't ask you about the muffins, did she?"  He said, "Do you want to know the truth?"  "Yes"  "She did.  She had my dad ask me if I got one."

Friends, I went ballistic.  My disdain for this woman knows no bounds.  Tears sprung to my eyes and I said to J, "Is she that stupid?"  He said, "Yes, I think she is.  I am really really sorry."  I said, "How is that possible?"  He responded "I don't know."  I checked my phone and saw an email from her.  First part of it was mundane, "Here is J's cousin's website we were discussing.  Also, I hope you and your family enjoyed the muffins."  In a weak moment I responded, "J enjoyed the muffins."  And nothing else. Then I told J about the email and left the house for some errands and to clear my head.  When I returned J had called her and asked her wtf the deal was w the muffins.  She played dumb like she had no clue.

I talked to my friend The Blind who told me "Duh.  She wants credit for baking the muffins.  She didn't think you would eat them all.  She just wants endless thanks and praise."  Something that hadn't occurred to me, but sounded much more logical than her fearing I would eat all 9 of them because... I mean... they are fat free.  Who would bother?

That night and the next day and I knew I was on the outs w MIL but, truth be told, it felt so good.  Pretending is hard work.  Trying to be above it is even harder.  Especially when secretly you are not above it.  Hopefully your intentions will catch up with your actions but, meanwhile, you still hate that bitch and you are putting on an act that you don't.  Friends, it is HARD.  So her knowing for a brief moment in time that I fucking can't stand her and her feeling uncomfortable about it and her having to sit with it like I've had to do for 7 years felt nothing short of satisfying. I should be ashamed to admit this, but I am just being honest.

Then J returned from work that night and told me he "buried the hatchet" w his mom via email.  My heart sank.  He told me to read the email and I made him read the email to me instead.  He started out by saying that my pregnancy hormones were really getting to me- and he had the audacity to add "but just between you and me."  While the rest of the email was basically mature and fine and the right thing to do (basically explaining the confusion), he had no clue why this was the fucking completely wrong thing to say.  Fear not, my friends, I told him.  In fact, we had an epic fight over it where I basically told him to go fuck his mom if he feels that strongly about making her feel better. And I was so pissed off that when I think about it right now, I would repeat everything I said to him.  What an idiot.  And then he got mad at ME for being mad at HIM for trying.  He didn't want his mom to ever bring up the muffin thing to me, which I appreciate, but overall he was trying to prevent "me from having any awkward moments" with her.  Umm.. every moment is awkward with her.  I've hated her for 7 long fucking years.  It is beyond awkward.  I told him that I think he was making things less awkward for HIMSELF.  Anyway, we made up that night by laughing at how dumb she is.  In retrospect, though, I could still generate some anger for him for being such an ass kisser to his stupid mom.  He feels bad for her because she never had a career.  I said, 'Then why didn't she get one?  It's been 30 years since you started kindergarten.  25 years since 6th grade?'  I mean, I get not wanting a career.  Right now- I don't want a career.  I don't want to work at all.  Do I feel bad for myself?  HELL NO.  I am lucky!  I had to work til I had my 2nd baby and, as you know, I was miserable every. single. day.  Luckily I have the type of friends who if I would say, "Wahhh... I had no career" They would say, "I listened to you bitch about your job for 2 years straight!  Shut up!"  That is what friends say.  So I basically said this to Jim (in not so many words) and he said "You are different.  You are strong.  She can't handle it."  I told him he should treat me the way he treats her- more sensitively.  He basically told me that we have the type of relationship where he can be honest with me and he likes that.  Alright, I can't even detail our fight here because it makes me want to call him on the phone at work right now and tell him to fuck off.

I cannot let this lady into my marriage.  I told J we can't go to dinner there with as much frequency.  We can meet them at a restaurant or they can come on our turf, but I'm not putting myself at her mercy like that.   When I am at their house or his sister's house- that is when they attack.  Also, when Jim is upstairs at his parents taking a crap in their toilet for 45 minutes or talking to his dad.  He's gotten really good about this but clearly it's not enough.  I told him he can't leave me alone with her.  He just has no clue.  I hate her so much.

Verdict:  I failed.

Negative side of things:  J and I fought over his mom again.  This doesn't make our marriage better.  It probably makes him resent me and it definitely makes me resent him.

Positive side of things:  It has lead to overt limitations on how and where we spend time with them.  I need this.  She bothers me WAY less when we don't see them every week.

Oh, I should add she responded to J thanking him for explaining everything and that she generally doesn't "get" certain senses of humor and in turn doesn't respond to them appropriately.  She said she is super sensitive to feeling needed (interesting considering the babysitting lecture I received at Xmas) and that's why she kept asking about the muffins.  She wanted to feel appreciated.  Whatever.

I haven't heard from her since nor have I had to spend time with her, so I am happy.  I don't give a shit if she is happy or sad on this earth. I just don't want to be around her.

Resolution Follow Through

First, the gossip.

I've discussed my older brother with the f*cked up past on this blob before - womanizer, irresponsible, inconsiderate- although I must say a fine brother as an adult.  He is fun to have a beer with.  I am thinking perhaps he has a lot in common with GW Bush? I digress.  His wedding is in June and I just put $$ down on a flower girl dress for Monkey.  The other day I receive about 100 texts from his fiance.  She learned that he has been texting on the regular with..........wait for it............one of her bridesmaids and "best friends."  The details are beginning to fade from my memory, thankfully, but it went something like:  She asked Jess- her friend- to please stop texting B, my older brother.  My older bro tries to deny as much as possible but after a point told his fiance to leave him the f*ck alone (so loving, that one) and that everybody hates her, etc... etc... Later that night in a loving moment he told her that they don't need those people in their lives and it's just them from here on out.  Blah blah.  Well, fast forward to 4 beers later for him that very same night- and he texts Jess again.  His fiance, L, found out bc she saw the text arrive on his phone, but unlike other insane b*tches (like I would be) she didn't crush his phone, punch him in the face, burn his personal belongings- she just sent me an upset text.  I told her to leave his ass.  She did not listen.  Instead this bridesmaid went around and told all her other bridesmaids all the sh*t my brother's fiance has ever said about them in their entire lives and 2 of them left the wedding party.  They apparently had been friends with my brother's fiance for a long time. Between you and me, I question my brother's fiance's taste in both friends and men, but.... anyway.  From this moment, every time she confronts my brother about her loss of friends and bridesmaids (by the way- my brother continued to text Jess throughout all of this, which is incredible betrayal in and of itself), my brother tells her that everybody hates her and to leave him the f*ck alone or he will leave her too.  This, my friends, is not fiction.  I have to write it down and acknowledge just how f*cked up it is so that it never becomes normal to me.  His fiance was also texting all this information to my mom, who is completely disgusted w my brother's behavior.  My mom called him in the midst of this and told him NOT to get married and drag this girl through the mud if he is flirting with this other girl.  He denied it all saying, "Mom, it isn't like that!" - "it" being his relationship with Jess, who he frankly seems more interested in maintaining that his relationship with his own fiance.  Obviously, my mom's intervention did zero good bc that very night he texted Jess again.  My brother is on my mom's family plan and his fiance has the password and checks every single day if he has texted Jess.  My little brother and my older brother's friends find this a crazy violation in privacy and make fun of B's fiance for checking his cell phone records, but I would do the exact same thing.  My brother has given her absolutely no reason to trust him.  Jess is just one in a long, long line of girls that he has maintained text relationships with during the course of their relationship.  I am absolutely positive he has cheated on her physically as well.  His fiance told me the texts she had seen (B has never ever offered to show her any of these texts to "prove" that they "weren't like that," by the way.  He deletes them as he reads them) they were very emotional in content (for example, 'Are you happy with your relationship?' etc...).

Last weekend his fiance tells me that their group of friends (if you can call it that) went to a party at a bar and one of their male friends (who is doing all of their wedding photography/DJ crap) got too drunk, smacked his girlfriend across the face and dragged her 60 feet by her hair across a room.  His brother and his brother's gf started punching him and my brother, B, was in the mix too- pulling the people who were beating the crap out of him off or something.  At one point my brother's fiance started tending to the physically assaulted girlfriend and the wife-beater yelled to her "[Fiance], your fiance texts Jess every day and cheats on you!"  She never brought this up to my brother.

In fact, 3 minutes after she told me this story she asked me, "Did you order Monkey's flower girl dress yet?"

I texted my mom and asked if I should bother.  I mean, is this wedding actually happening?  I have to put a deposit down.  What should I do?  Let my brother ruin half my childhood and then also take $75 from my adulthood?  Should I just pay $75 and figure it is the cost of doing business in my family?  Why is this girl staying with him? My family asks this question with regard to ALL of my brother's girlfriends (past and present, casual and serious).  I don't know which comes first- the low self-esteem or my brother. Chicken or egg.  Don't know.  It is a sad state of affairs.

To be continued....