SATC

Drink of the evening: Again, a yellowtail.

J made me hide my pumpkin beer from the trick-or-treaters. He's so pure. I could tell he loved handing out candy.

One girl came to the door- she was 17 or 18 maybe? Anyway, this girl goes to J, "Can I take 2 pieces of candy? One for me and one for my son?"

For real? Why the h*ell are you trick-or-treating?

One trick-or-treater came up on our stoop with his mom. When they'd come to the door, we'd just hold out our bowl of candy for them to choose. Anyway, this kid was lik 2 or 3. He reached his entire arm in the bowl and tried to scoop as much as possible into his little sack. Most of it fell out. He walked away. His mom then walked up to the door and reached down- presumably to pick up the candy her kid dumped and put it back in our bowl, right? Dude, she pocketed it! We were handing out mini Snickers - not bars of gold! Or bottled water during a drought. Man, these people are more hard up than I thought.

This was my first experience handing out candy. Last year, as I most likely blogged, I was forced to walk the hill-infested sidewalks of the rich neighborhoods in the suburbs outside NYC with Good SIL and her pack of children whilst 6 months pregnant and sober in the rain. Needless to say, I'm psyched that I got to chill at home, drink my beer and think about how much I'd rather throw up than go to work tomorrow and continue to be screamed at by that whore.

Oh! And I saw SATC 2- FINALLY. As the credits rolled, sadness enveloped my body. I can't believe that I've now seen it and no longer am able to look forward to seeing it. J tried to get all critical: "I find these lines to be unbelievable." "This is so outrageous." But not me. I was just happy to be able to watch them again. Also, did Carrie get a boob job or is it my imagination?

Ha.

Workin' on that project til after 1am last night. Woke up, dropped Monk at daycare & returned to it. 5:15 left to pick up Monk. At 7:00, called my new partner to discuss our status.

She mentioned that biotch came into her office today.

She said she "didn't want to tell her that [I] probably took a break to pick up my daughter at daycare because she wasn't sure how well [the biotch] would take it."

Seriously, dude? What universe do you live in?

When I email her my final product, I'm going to start it off with: "I apologize that this is a little late... I had to pick my daughter up from daycare, feed her dinner, give her a bath and put her to bed."

Conference Call Woes

I'm happy to say that I was assigned a partner in crime to help me sort through the mess that I've been working on since the wee days of October.

And I love her.

She's calm. She's not burnt out and she's an expert in leases. I thought I knew leases (how complex can they be?) UNTIL I spoke with her. She gives me hope that this project will be out of my life by Friday at the latest.

UGGHH. So we had a conference call at 730. I call in to the line, I'm on time, I have my work in front of me, J & baby are upstairs, the dogs each have a bone. I'm all set. I even use our landline (first time I've ever used it) to call in so that my cell phone service wouldn't cut out. While the biotch I'm working for is yammering on about something (to ME, mind you), my finger hits the "Flash" button on the back of the receiver and disconnects.

First of all, do you even remember "Flash" buttons? I didn't! Obviously. And what kind of phone designer would think that placing it on the back of the receiver would be an even remotely good idea. I started to sweat bullets when I saw what happened.

So I immediately called back, re-entered the conference (of 3 people) & the biotch didn't even notice I was gone- UNTIL they announced my re-entry. WOOO-WEEE. She was not happy. But she wasn't happy to begin with (when you have no joy in your life, I suppose this happens. I can personally attest to the fact that she has no joy in her life, as I have been in consistent contact w her a$$ since early October (Lord help me) and she is ALWAYS working). And not begrudgingly. Perhaps she's forgotten the meaning of taking a f*cking break.

Alright, I have to go. This blog entry is depressing me.

Currently drinking: a fine Yellowtail.

Pregnant college roommate: If you are reading this, are you jealous? :) JK

Survey. Remember these?

I am: drinking my nightcap
I think: I should get back to work.
I know: I should get back to work.
I want: someone to train my dogs not to be crazy. Particularly the huge one.
I have: a slightly swollen right tonsil
I wish: I worked part-time
I miss: SATC.
I feel: like foregoing the rest of my work for the evening and reading my book.
I hear: J watching hockey.
I smell: Well, I haven't showered in over 12 hours and my perfume is long gone. I've probably smelled better.
I love: the fact that J - and NOT me- left our new, full carton of milk out on the counter all night long last night and this morning I came down to find a container of warm and probably sour milk.
I always: drink my morning coffee out of a pint glass- half coffee, half milk. My own personal white trash cafe au lait
I am not: good at remembering to get my cloethes dry cleaned.
I believe: that nothing good comes out of junior high school.
I fear: having a 2nd child. What will it be like? Eeks!
I cry: when I think about this documentary I watched where a scientist raised a gorilla for many years and then dropped him off on an island. The man returned to the island after a few years, did this gorilla call and the gorilla appeared. The gorilla introduced him to his female-gorilla friend. The 2 then sat there in silence for awhile, the gorilla's hand pressed lightly against the man. The gorilla didn't want the man to leave, but the man had to go. My heart is broken.
I don't always: wash my face at night
I fight: with J on occasion about how to properly load the dishwasher. He tells me I load it improperly. I tell him I tried. He doesn't believe me. Rinse and repeat.
I never: get the mail.
I listen: to Christmas music en route to work already. I had no spirit last year, but I am compensating heavily this one. I'm putting up the Xmas tree the moment J gives me the go ahead.
I need: to learn how to properly load staples into a stapler without breaking it.
I am happy: that my grandma called me tonight to tell me about her dog's skin allergies.

Secretaries

I have 2 secretaries.

1 secretary for when I'm working with one specific partner. This is the one I love.

Then I have the secretary who is my main secretary. THIS is the one I told you has grandchildren, etc... I was all ready to love her and never ask her to do anything dumb or be a biotch, etc... And for the record, I still really like her. I will always like her. Because I was a secretary once and blah blah blah. Point is: I'm on her side.

She's been on vacation and got back today.

I really really needed her- or someone - last week to help me print out all this sh*t online. And it was fine that I had nobody, although I lamented that fact forever. She got in today at 11. I didn't want to be one of those people who hounded her before she got settled, so I waited til 1 and then emailed, 'K*ren, if you don't have a ton going on for R*bert today, would you mind printing some stuff out for me?' PRINT. Not collate, neatly compile, label, nada. Upload doc, press print.

She said, "Let me get through my 300 emails first and then get back to you.'

I responded, "Of course."

At 3:00 she wrote, "Can I just start it tomorrow?"

By this time I actually already started the printing and was halfway through. I am such a freaking pushover and a sucker. I just responded "No problem."

At 4:30, she was chilling out front bullsh*tting with the receptionist. I was only bummed because at that point it was verified that I'm a huge p*ssy.

Of course I'm not going to say anything to her or anyone else and start a big to-do when I'm so unimportant that the fact that I needed help is like unprecedented. And even if I was important, I'd be like, 'That sucks' and do nothing. But.... the fact that I NEVER ask her for anything- shouldn't that make her all the more helpful when I DO need help? Clearly not. Then I'm all lame and come to vent on my blog.

Oh well. At least I need the hours. :)

By the way- this all results from that biotch I've been working for who is literally the worst.

Sorry for being such a Negative Nancy, as usual. I'm supposed to be Postive Maiden.

The positives:

1. The sh*tty part of Monday is over.

2. I scheduled Monkey's Christmas pictures for Saturday morning. I'm way too excited.

3. While J cooked dinner, I cleaned the floors, which is a huge weight off my chest.

4. I just fnished a delicious beer. I'm so thankful for alcoholic beverages.

"I don't know..."

So it's no secret that I've selling my soul by working with some broad for the passed 3 weeks. She's INSANE. Now, I love the hours, as it's no secret I had no work for, like, ever. But it's really hard to please this chick.

She'll ask me to review "customer contracts."

I begin summarizing key terms and once I'm through contract... 150 out of 300, I'll receive an email that says, 'Oh, also review X term.' So I begin at contract 1 and keep truckin' all the while thinking, 'Yay! My hours will be high this month.' But then that night once I'm through Contract 135, she'll ask me to add yet another term.

And then she will ask me why I haven't gotten through any of the other non-contract documents.

1. I was only assigned customer contracts.

2. I can't even get through assignment numero uno, as you keep changing what you want.

But the real problem is - how do you SAY this? I said, 'Your instructions are unclear and you haven't give me any deadlines.' She responded, 'I was under the impression you were working full steam ahead.' Dude, I've worked until passed midnight every night for the passed 3 weeks. So..... I'm confused.

She's driving me NUUUUUUUUTTTS.

So on Friday, I stopped being nice. She emailed me 18 times telling me she needed to talk to me on the phone and I just never called her bc she was such a biotch over email. She called secretaries in the firm that are not mine, asking them to check where I was. This girl already has a reputation for treating secretaries like trash, so they were not helpful to her. By the time she reached me (she called me directly and I answered), she was heated. Mission accomplished.

The beauty of her lies in the fact that she's only a 2nd year. But because she's published a bunch of boring garbage, she thinks she's a partner. MMMM..... negativo.

So, I'm gonna get back to work now. I'm also going to attempt to set boundaries this week.

Disclaimer: I don't work til Monkey goes to bed. I do have those boundaries.

Shot Gun Wedding

The fall always reminds me of shot gun weddings. I may or may not have written about the one and only shot gun wedding I had the luxury of attending in my day. It was the glorious fall of 2005. The most broke I've ever been.

I bought a dress on sale for $34 to wear to this splended event & it was the first wedding J & I attended together. I was in serious obsession with J at this point (I still am, but - you know how delightful the newness of a relationships is...). Back to the point: It was an okay dress & I borrowed shoes from my friend Jen. The bride we all knew was pregnant & the groom- well, let's just say that the groom, while he has since become Mr. Mature Dad and Husband- a mere 5 months prior he was painfully single- I'm talking strip club, hooking up with undergrad and anything that moves- single. But, I digress, weren't we all? :)

So anyway, this was an exciting wedding. Niether the bride nor the groom told anyone about the pregnancy, but J was in their study group at school & she was regularly throwing up in the bathroom everywhere (school, J's apartment, her apartment, restaurants, etc...) & they were engaged and married within 2 months. The writing was on the wall.

The weather was trash and there was like a 5 hour time difference between the ceremony and reception and J had a mid-term the following Monday, so he studied in between these 2 events. So I guess, all in all, it may have been one of my least favorite weddings ever.

Midway through the reception, the bride's dad stood up and said "We have a special announcement." The room fell eerily silent & I swear- there was a collective gasp. Nervous eyes made eye contact across the tables. J nudged me under the table.

The bride's father continued: "We have a special guest here with us tonight."

ANOTHER gasp- was he going to welcome the fetus to the wedding??!!!!

And then- someone burst through the reception doorway with an inflatable version of her high school's mascot. This was the guest of honor the bride's dad was talking about.

The disappointment in the room was palpable. I swear. Nobody laughed, as we were all recovering from what we thought was going to be a pregnancy announcement at this couple's wedding.

Anyway, they have 3 kids now. J rarely talks to the groom anymore, but I'm dying to know the gender and names of these kids (only out of curiosity- I really really did not know this couple). He attended our wedding (she was at home giving birth) and then they had another baby at the same time that we had Monkey.

My drink at the time was gin & tonic.

Odd Surveys

In college, I participated in a number of creepy surveys and experiments, etc.. for extra cash.

One time I met this old dude at a popular study location on campus. He claimed to have been attempting to dissect popular "hook-up" culture among college-aged students in his thesis. For $25 (and probably the rest of my innocence), I sat there and told him how "hooking up" worked at college parties. A play by play. His questions weren't *that* creepy- I recall a few being like, "Do you exchange numbers? If so, when? Who asks?" I also recall him asking me "I heard about a 'butter face.'" It became clear to me that he was also talking to broke college guys too. When I told J this years later he immediately labeled this old man a f*cking creep and didn't buy the thesis story for one second. He was disgusted w this guy.

Another time I *almost* particpated in some sort of weekend-long gynelogical study for thousands of dollars. Maybe $1K? $3K? I don't remember. I dreamt of the great Xmas gifts I would be able to buy my family with that kind of money. I went to the doctor's office appointment before the study began in a bad area of town. I think my now-pregnant college roomie was with me (she was smart enough to not even consider participating in some weird gynelogical study). What turned me off wasn't the gynelogical aspect of it, but the office was so run down and shabby. And filled with legitimately poor people who were doing this for the money. The doctors didn't appear put together well and I saw a bunch of them smoking cigarettes out front. It felt like a place where fake doctors go to pretend they are doctors and to simultaneously take advantage of poor people. The whole thing felt wrong. So in the doctor's office, I was with a nurse or someone asking me questions before I was to have my first gynelogical exam (before they administer meds that do who-knows-what). I said to her, 'I don't want to do the study anymore.' She leaned in and whispered to me, 'Is it because it's...... gynelogical?' And I just said "Yes," because it would require the least explanation. But what I wanted to say is that there is no way that I want to (a) spend a weekend at this sh*thole (b) allowing your unprofessional doctors out front to shove weird medications up my hoo-ha, (c) while feeling guilt-free about taking advantage of all the TRULY poor people out front. The people that were not in college, did not come from homes where people would kill them for even considering participating in such a study, etc...

Anyway, J's home. Gotta run.

Conspiracy

Some days I am convinced - for real- that there is a conspiracy at work. Them v. Me.

I've always had a tendency to get paranoid about this kind of thing in the workplace.

Back as a young 16 year old waitress, I would sometimes walk in & if I wasn't immediately greeted with a full blown celebration of my arrival, I would think, "Is everyone mad at me? Do they know something I don't? Did I do a poor job of cleaning up the salad dressings last night?"

While I've mostly outgrown this - neediness?- I was struck with it today again for a moment. Upon my return from Monkey's 9 month dr visit, I returned to my office & my secretary was quietly talking to the partner with whom I regularly work.

First thought: "They're talking about me. That is why they are whispering."

WHAT A LOSER!!!! Of course they were not talking about me. I'm not even important enough to be on that particular partner's radar half the time. The odds are much greater that they're banging than that they're co-conspiring against me. Even if that partner did dislike me, he would not discuss it with her. He'd discuss it with HR.

Monkey is in bed, naturally. Her door is open & my a$$hole dogs keep sneaking in to her room: the beagle to lay beneath her crib (which is kind of cute) & the golden to steal her clean clothes that I've so neatly and maternally piled upon her expensive rocker that I've used...oh, I dunno... twice. I used it more while I was pregnant to chat on the phone with my friends- her room gets the best reception in the house. I told J from the beginning that we need a small flat screen & cable for her room in order for us to truly maximize the space. He wasn't convinced.

Never-ending Week

When I'm feeling bad for myself, I wonder, 'Why did you have to go and be a la-wyer? Leave the boring crap to the men!' How's that for feminism?

Do you watch Teen Mom? I was inspired when Catelynn said she wanted to be an ultrasound tech. I feel like, overall, that would be an enjoyable job. I love looking at people's ultrasound pictures (Dear college roommate, if you are reading this, SEND ME ULTRASOUND PICTURES! My college roommate is having a baby boy in February. She was my pregnant date to the wedding a few weekends ago. And she was such a good sport about not being able to drink, etc.. Remember how I whined throughout my entire pregnancy? Ungrateful bas*tard, am I.).

But can you imagine dealing with some pregnant women? Eeks.. I bet they get all mad and complain to your boss that you weren't friendly. Because my 1 u/s tech was NOT friendly. She KNEW we were at the appt to find out what we were having and she meausred every single little bone and whatnot in Monkey's body before spilling the beans and telling us it was a girl. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time. She didn't care.

Seeing the baby on u/s was the best. Not as wonderful as holding her chubby body in my arms and allowing her little dagger fingernails scratch my face and pull my hair. But it was good stuff.

40 minutes until I get to see my munchkin.

Tomorrow she turns 9 months. I cannot believe it. If you ask her "Where's mama?" she looks for me (and she does the same for J if you ask where dada is). She already only lets me feed her a bottle old school (with her snuggled in my arms) in the early morning when she's still sleepy and feeling relaxed. She wants to sit up and look around while she drinks now- she holds her own bottle at daycare but becomes furious when I try to get her to hold her own bottle at home. And while she's not crawling yet, she is mobile. She waves "bye" and "hi" and points at everyone. We'll be at the store and there will be a creepy looking man and Monkey flashes him a million dollar smile and points. Or we'll be at a restaurant and Monkey is smiling at people across the room and waving to them. At first they wave back but then they're probably like, 'Dude. Make your kid stop waving at me. This is getting weird.' Despite my attempts to thwart her friendliness (Lord knows where she gets it), she persists.

Anyway, she continues to be the light of my life. A light that, before 9 months ago, I never knew could possibly exist. Love you, Monkey.

I'm done gushing now.

The Pic

That's me in my PJ's- the 2nd from the right with the blonde hair. I thought the black cardigan (that I wear to work) would dress it up a tad. But on second glance, I thought wrong. To my credit, my options were limited. The bride-to-be is the one with the big boobs (actually, everyone in this picture has big boobs except for me), wearing the p*enis tiara.

When I see this picture, all I see is me, wearing my PJs and suffering from a sore throat. I had the WORST sore throat in the world this evening. And I ended up giving it to the bride's sister (who was 19 and therefore unable to buy her own drinks so was sipping everyone else's- and ended up getting super drunk and making out w some old dude. The girl so lovingly refer to as "the Blind" - on the far left- was sweet. She was worried about the 19 year old. I wasn't worried. I figured, "She's 19. Perfect age to be a slut!" When I told the bride that some people were worried about her sister she goes, 'Ugh. We gotta ditch that chick.' Ahh! Clearly, my friends are about as nurturing as I am! :) Except for you, the Blind.

Isn't it funny that I even take the time to block out pictures? JUST IN CASE MIL or a SIL comes across it- so long as there are black dots over my eyes, I can still deny it.....

Bachelorette Party

Before the bachelorette party a few weeks ago, I realized I don't own any "going out" shirts. So I wore my pajama top.

I'll post a picture of it tomorrow. At the time I felt like I was pulling a fast one, but upon seeing the pictures, I realize that the joke was on me.

The bride-to-be has these big old boobs. She's never breastfed- and it shows.

I brought this up with my friend who recently had a baby. I forwarded her a few pictures and pointed out the bride's goods.

She said there is a big difference between "I'm getting married" boobs and boobs that have fed a baby. Hahaha. Ahhh... "I'm getting married" boobs. 2.5 years ago. So close, yet so far away!!

Post 2 of the day

I don't feel like working - Monkey already is asleep for the night. It's 642pm. :(

My blog entries lately have been long as sh*t. So I thought I'd shorten up with some bullet point updates

• I told you about that assistant at work who may or may not think I wanna bang her bc I commented 3x in 5 minutes about how much I loved her perfume? Eeks... well... at first I thought she'd sue me for s*xual harassment, but...now I think she might try to kiss me. She has recently referred to my body as "amazing" (it isn't, I'm just tall and thin. And I wear button downs and dark pants to work every day. Nothing unusual or special) and also called me "so cute" after I noted at an office party that I find something s*exy about Pauly D from Jersey Shore. Then I saw a missed call from her today on my phone. I'm TERRIFIED.
• I'm sitting on the couch in between 2 dogs. Where I belong. :)
• I'm already behind on fall TV. 2 weeks.
• My speech for the wedding is over. Hopefully it met the bride's expectations, as that was my main goal. You really only get one chance (if you're lucky) to stand up in front of a crowd to profess how good of a friend someone has been to you. And that is usually either at their wedding or their funeral. I'm grateful that in this case, I was at a wedding.
• I remember being at my good friend The Blind's graduation party. A band was playing and her dad dedicated a song to her. While I don't remember the song, I will never forget the look on his face when he looked at her as the band said that this song was from her dad and started playing. It was so beautiful. I love my dad to death, but he is very slow to show his soft side, which is unfortunate. Because I know it's there.
• I can't remember what I told you and what I didn't. But surely I told you that my secretary used to be a stripper, wrote a book about it, had a part of it published in the newspaper and then the entire office found out? Well, I now can't stop envisioning her on the pole. And she has this huge chest that I now keep noticing. And I freaking LOVE HER. She's so sweet. I think of all the secretary-attorney relationships at the firm, her and I are the closest now. She is such a huge help to me and I am very grateful. I think she's hotter than the assistant who I accidentally s*xually harassed, but I do not have a girl crush on either of them.

Daycare Woes

This week I find myself extraordinarily (and uncharacteristically) busy at work, which is a nice change of pace, as I cannot believe it's already Friday.

But I wanted to post nonetheless, as I am committed to this thing. Although I'm not sure why.

I accidentally created mayhem at the daycare this week.

My favorite worker (the one who informed me that Monkey's spine seemed off) informed me that the owner's children were hanging out in the infant room, picking up babies WITH their friends. And that 2 times, children were dropped (not Monkey). The owner has 3 children ranging from 6 to about 12.

We pay about a million dollars a month- well, not really. Actually a little over $1K. But we're not paying that much so Monkey's safety is compromised by being treated like a doll by older children. SO J wrote a very no-bullsh*t letter to the owner, informing her that he expected this to stop (totally a turn on. I like a man who puts his foot down).

So he opened up his big mouth at work and told his co-worker who also has her kids at this place. She FLIPPED and told another teacher (although did not reveal the source of info).

This teacher told the owner, who told her husband (also an owner, I suppose). WOO. This did not go over well. Their main goal since this occurred (Monday? Tuesday? I forget) has not been to reassure everyone that this would not happen again, but to find out WHO has been spreading this around- they asked her many times via email that day. If I didn't love the actual teachers that watch over Monkey on a daily basis, I would remove her from this daycare immediately. But I love the parents and I love her actual teachers, etc...

When J's co-worker said she "just heard a rumor" and did not reveal her source of info via email, the owner's husband (a total d*ck), wrote her an email basically threatening to kick her and her kids out of the daycare.

It got ugly. And it's still not over, as they arranged for a meeting this morning. J's co-worker promised she wouldn't reveal her source of information- ughh.. we'll see. J learned his lesson. I keep reassuring the daycare worker via texts that everything will be okay, etc. It's a mess.

And then today when I dropped off Monkey, she was happy as a clam as I set her down to play with her 2 friends. And started dancing with one of the teachers (an older lady that I love). And she waved good-bye to me, happily. And then I called J to tell him I feel like a piece-of-sh*t mother for dropping my kid off all day and that she probably feels more comfortable with Miss R than me. And then we had that conversation All. Over. Again.