Friday, April 30, 2010
Testosterone
In case you were wondering, I'll be getting my period sometime early next week. I also had it during my first week of work. My oh my, where has the time gone?? :)
No, for real, though. I didn't get it until I went back on the pill. Isn't that weird? I always just assumed I'd get it again once I had the baby. Like, 28 days after I had the baby. Nope. It didn't come. I know if you're breastfeeding it's not supposed to come (or sometimes doesn't come, rather), but I stopped BFing at 4 weeks, sooooooooo........ whatever. I'm just happy I didn't have to deal w it for almost an entire year. Although the cramping you get after you give birth (your uterus shrinking) combined with the post-birth bleeding feels like the worst period of your life.
I have all the tell-tale signs of PMS. Last night I got mad at J for no reason. At one point he was like, 'I feel like you're in the mood to argue.' I paused for a second and said, 'You're totally right. I'm sorry. I have PMS.' He understood. What a guy. Today my appetite was insatiable. I felt overly emotional about missing Monkey yesteryda and randomly insecure at my job. I wish the birth control didn't regulate hormones, but instead just plain old did away with them.
There was an episode of This American Life a few years back called Testosterone. One guy was interviewed who, for some reason or another, had no testerone at all in his body for a time period. He said he felt zero emotions- and he viewed the world totally differently &, seemingly, objectively. As if he were an outsider. I told J that I felt this might be wonderful. He vehemently disagreed. I understand the argument that what makes life life is the happiness, sadness, anger, drama, etc... but sometimes I feel like if this is in fact all there is then what is the point of all the pain & drama? Let's just chill out & get through it painlessly, ya know? We're all dying anyway. (For the record, I do believe in God. So I suppose emotions are not pointless. But sometimes they get in the way. And they're tiresome).
ANYWAY, I'm looking forward to busting out Monkey's summer clothes stash. In fact, she's already wearing a brand new "romper"- I hate that word. But, nonetheless, this gal ain't modest. Her pasty, chubby legs are chillin' for all to see.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
The Weird Hand

What's with the hand, right? I thought it was my imagination at first until I sent it to my good friend "Anonymous" without mentioning it. Her first question was something along the lines of: "Why is his middle finger so huge?" I knew it wasn't my crazy eyes or a flashback. I called J at his office & we both stared at the photo on our respective computers. Was it the camera angle? Did brother-in-law purposefully send us this photo to "let us know" about the hand in a subtle way? How do we ask about this? Should we ask? I mean, it doesn't matter, it's just that nobody mentioned anything & it is, afterall, unusual. Now, if that's the way he was born then more power to him. We love him anyway.. But nobody mentioned this in any prior "Welcome to the world" email or phone call.
This evening, I convinced J to call his parents (who are currently staying at Good SIL's to help care for the other kids) ostensibly to see if our fruit basket arrived. It had. J then asked his mom the million dollar question: "Ten fingers and ten toes?" His mom replied in the affirmative. J elaborated about the photo and she said all was fine. J & I laughed over our assumptions. But now that I look at the picture again, WTF? I wonder if J's mom just never noticed.
Court
This is the guy who when he first met me at Thanksgiving kept saying, "Things are gonna be different w a blonde in the family." SO awkward. He will drone on for hours if you let him. He became a mormon. He brags about his wealthy family heritage shamelessly. He is an a$$hole and a family legend.
Last night he called J's dad to tell him abou the trial- all the while saying, "I shouldn't be talking about this." He said he was the foreman, explaining, "because I'm better than everyone else." He also was sure to note that there were 7 black jurors. Ahhh, racism.
Unfortunately, the plaintiff is black. God bless our legal system.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Grandparents
I have such comforting memories of my grandparent's house. At night after our baths, my brothers and I would sit in our pajamas in front of the TV eating ice cream sundaes and watching Golden Girls, Empty Nest, etc... The room was dark and cozy. I wasn't raised by a TV, but nobody in my family treated TV as if it were the enemy. I have the best memories sitting around the TV w my family at night. To be fair, my family is not filled with overachievers like J's family. But he doesn't have these memories (everyone in his family did their own thing- his parents drank chardonnay in the kitchen by themselves and talked about adult things while him and his sisters each did their own thing). What we lack in earning power we compensate for in quality time!!!!!!! :) Ahh, I'm sure there's a happy medium somewhere.
My friend conveyed to me the most touching memory of her grandfather over email the other day. I haven't asked her permission to share it, but if she wants me to take it down, I totally will. Here goes:
He was an awesome guy. I like to think my mom only gave me his DNA. He drank coffee all day long-- lots of cream and lots of sugar. One day while sitting on his lap as he watched some sport on TV (it was impossible to break his attention when sports were on, even if it was golf) I drank his cup of coffee. He didn't realize until a commercial came on and tried to take a sip. He just gave me a look as I giggled. I was probably around 5. Since that day I liked coffee although I didn't make it a regular habit until later in life.
Grandfathers are the best.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Recap
I hit up a session of arraignments today & a dependency hearing in family court. Ain't nothing quite like that to make you feel like you're on the right path. This little old lady was fighting her bail this morning. Get this- she was charged with armed robbery and three counts of aggravated assault. WHA??? Then in family court, my heart broke. A 2 year old with an 18 yr old mother who was diagnosed as "mentally retarded" (is this term even remotely PC anymore?) & a deadbeat dad (obviously) had been staying w her INSANE grandma. Grandma was on the witness stand. She started her testimony with an assertion that nobody can judge her but God. I felt really bad for this woman. It was obvious that she absolutely loved this 2 year old girl, but she just has an entirely different idea from the rest of us of what a child-appropriate environment involves (a direct result of her own upbringing). Well, it does NOT involve living with a heroin addict and a convicted child molester. During her final statement, she begged the judge through tears- even if she is deemed unfit for custody- please, please allow her to continue to see her granddaughter. I would have felt much worse for grandma if I wasn't 100% certain that the little girl had already been raped by the child molester. I still can't think about this without feeling sick.
Anyway, prior to this, I was feeling pretty down on myself for not making time to work out. Or clean my floors. I left counting my blessings.
Crazy Secretary
Dunno if I wrote this in my last entry but the crazy secretary said to me one day last week, 'I could never bring myself to return to work after I had my baby. I gave up the best job I've ever had in my entire life to stay home..........Sometimes..................I wonder if it was worth it.' And then dramatically exited the stage. I love her honesty.
You know those people who always look fresh after work? I always look like a tornado hit my office (targeting me, specifically). My make-up is gross, my hair is a total wreck, my clothes are wrinkled, my skin is dry. I hate that, but I feel like I've always been this way. So when we have late afternoon meetings, I arrive like I've crawled out from underneath a rock.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Rhythm
So I count down the seconds til I get to leave to pick up my precious little koala bear from daycare. I walk in and receive the daily report. Then I pack her up- as I'm buckling her in her car seat, she realizes its me and breaks out into a huge grin (but she could NEVER be as happy to see me, as I am to see her). Then we go home. We get inside (somehow juggling 3 bags & a car seat with a baby in it) & I unbuckle her. We let out the dogs. While they're outside, we feed them (baby in arms). Then we go up to change (both of us in our PJs), then I quick unload the dishwasher. Then its usually time for her to have a bottle. J gets home around this time & washes Monkey's bottles from the day & makes new ones to put in the fridge for tomorrow. He also makes dinner. Meanwhile, Monkey has finished her bottle & needs a diaper change. A Golden Retriever steals stuff from her trash. I lay out her clothes for the next day. We eat dinner. Then we put her to bed & I shower. And its 10pm and I'm exhausted.
I wish I were anal- like one of those self-proclaimed organization freaks. I am the opposite. But I feel like my house would be a lot tidier if I weren't.
ANYWAY, I don't think my boss's secretary likes me. I want her to like me. But I think she might just be shy bc I am like so ridiculously nice to everyone that there is no way in hell I could have offended her. She works really hard though, so maybe she's just too busy to fret with the new girl. And she does help me out whenever I ask her a question (like how to use the copy machine). Another secretary who I'm tight with told me that this particular secretary recently caught her husband in the midst of an "emotional affair" & now they're divorcing. They have 3 kids. HOW SAD. I feel so bad for her. Tomorrow is Administrative Professional's Day- I already bought my secretary a Target Gift Card, but I wish I would've thought to get this woman a Target gift card today. I bet she could use it. :(
Also, I wonder how single mothers do it. Maybe they just eat cereal for breakfast and don't worry about a tidy house. My mom was single for awhile there while I was young. She worked 3 jobs (she's in the medical field) & I vaguely recall her chucking us in the daycare at the gym during her aerobics class (go Mom!). I hated that daycare. We also had a cleaning lady (I think I told you guys about Grace, our cleaning lady. Her son died of AIDS, sadly). So Grace kept or house nice and clean. But she didn't keep a blog. And she probably also didn't have an online shopping addiction. Bless her frugal heart.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Good News
I'm back and will begin updating regularly again. My mom was staying with me for the passed 2 weeks, so when I'd get home from work, I'd chill with her, etc... and forgot about the internet- which is SO not my style. Anyway, she left today & I felt sad. But the GOOD NEWS is that I seemed to have located my sanity. This week was so, so much better than last. When I looked at pics of monkey, I would smile as opposed to weep into a random napkin left in my desk drawer by the dude who used to occupy my office.
I work specifically with 2 partners who are very hardworking. I will be leaving every day by 515 to pick up Monkey from daycare and probably do a little bit of work from home in the evenings. My secretary is really sweet and helpful ,and she has 3 grandkids. There's a crazy floating secretary at the office who hides her fishtank from home under her desk (she said her house got too cold for it) & secretly uses an empty office as her shoe closet (and keeps over 40 pairs of shoes in there- no lie). She insists I'm a spitting image of Chloe Sovigny (sp? you know who I mean. I do not consider this a compliment, btw, but whatever.). Anyway, she says inappropriate crap all the time and that's how she lost her position as executive secretary and was demoted to floating secretary. (although I think if I were a secretary I'd rather be a floating one).
Sunday, April 11, 2010
First Week of Work
Monday morning I had orientation in a different office- about a 45 min drive in rush hour. I wasn't feeling particularly emotional on Monday morning- just sort of going through the motions, listening to crap about benefits, 401ks, employee policies, blah blah. Until lunch. They arranged for a 3rd year associate to take me out. We made small talk on our way to the restaurant & the topic of Monkey came up. She asked to see a picture. I reached into my bag, eager to show off my little bundle of joy. As I flipped through the pictures on my phone, though, tears started falling uncontrollably from my eyes. I was embarassed, for sure-- I mean, how unprofessional can you get? But mostly, I just missed her. And it totally sucked. The associate was SUPER NICE (and has since had like a million lawyers with children contact me to make my transition easier- which really did make me feel better, even though I hate being the charity case). I fought back tears the rest of the day & cried on my way home back to Monkey (my mom's staying at my house for my first 2 weeks to help, thank goodness). Tuesday was really rough too. I did the whole crying thing when my secretary introduced herself & asked to see a picture. Ugh- these d*amn pictures!! But, I'm proud to announce that by Wednesday I seemed to find a grip on my emotions. Friday I believe I shed only a tear or two at the end of the day. Wow, that was a boring paragraph.
Anyway, it's clear that I MISS HER when I'm not with her. And even though I know she's fine- thriving even- with my mom (and I've no doubt she will be in daycare too), it's just this primal, selfish longing for her. The second I get home and I'm holding her I feel completely happy & sane again. I am starry-eyed, pathetically in LOVE with her & every day my greatest highlight is coming home from work to see her chubby little face- no matter if she's laughing or screaming her head off bc she's tired.
I know it will get easier. And I know I'm extraordinarily lucky to have such a great job. This whole transition thing is just really emotional for me (shocker) & I can't wait to stop tearing up when I think of her while at work.
Okay, this was a huge rambly "I love Monkey" post, but cut me some slack- the first week back was hard for me. I know some women do it without missing a beat. But I've proven to be nothing if not hormonal since I birthed this little muppet. Let's hope the 2nd one cuts me some slack!
Friday, April 2, 2010
Worrying......Again
Alright, I have to take advantage of Monkey's nap time to go work out.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Holy Week
1. My ability to not create a huge mess in every room I enter. I am constantly tidying up after myself and it is a constant battle.. Is this normal?
2. I can't for the life of me keep my closets organized.
3. I wish I wasn't so hard on J's family: they're not super close w extended family & do things their own way, as my family does things our way. I clearly have trouble accepting differences with grace. I must feel threatened in some way. I think deep down I feel like if I don't keep fighting it or criticizing them or their way of doing things, we'll end up doing things their way, if that makes sense. And I want Monkey to know her cousins and I don't want formality in my family gatherings and I want to continue to see my extended family at every holiday. But nobody is trying to take that away from me. What I should do is get OFF the defensive & offensive and try to be nice. Dealing w SIL & MIL's rude comments? I'll need to give that one more thought. Cuz sometimes, they mean.
Must go take Monkey for a walk. It's a beautiful day. If I think of more of my faults to confess, I'll report back. I know there are like a million more.