New Year's Resolution

My New Year's resolution is to give birth.

Long One- Sorry!

First of all- Happy Holidays!! I hope everyone survived. I haven't written lately for a few reasons.

1. We returned from Xmas get-together #5 to the messiest house ever. 1st order of business was to clean that sh*t. I didn't want to head into labor, have a c-section & end up living in a dump for 6 wks while bedridden. J just doesn't do a thorough job of cleaning floors (or bathrooms). Besides, he still has to put together a swing & travel crib. When I tire of waiting for him to motivate, I start the project myself. He'll walk in, inform me its "man work" & he can take a hint & finish it. But what's really cute (cuz the waiting on his a$$ aint' cute) is after he's finished, he'll walk me through "how it works." So last night he put together this rocker thing that vibrates (???). He insisted I come up & see how it turns from a rocker to different reclining positions, etc..

2. I've been SICK. I knew I'd get sick from the running around & hanging out w kids. Good SIL's kids had snot running out of their noses the entire duration of our visit. We went to the children's service at church where there were 10K children. Then the country club- kid central. I got something from someone & it wasn't pretty (I'm starting to feel better, though).

3. I've been busy buying last minute crap for the baby. (Sorry to make this a baby blog entry. I promise tomorrow will be different). I decided to try breastfeeding (& pumping bc I can't breastfeed in front of friends/family/the general public). This decision was involved, as I had to select a pump (I'm not going to pump once I go back to work, FYI). I also got those weird pads so you don't leak all over. When I placed the order online, I simultaneously envisioned my s*ex life going directly out the window forever. Then there were nursing bras & tank tops & shirts (all online at the Gap). Then the breast milk STORAGE containers. I'm hoping the baby can take both a boob & a bottle.

I always worry I do stuff too early & then I realized that it'll take about 2 wks to receive this crap & by that time I'll be about 39 wks pregs. Yikes! I'm scared!

4. I have really bad insomnia. I wake up between 3-4am every night. I usually read during this time, but I've had trouble concentrating due to high anxiety. I worry about things ranging from the baby dying of SIDS, dying during child birth, dogs getting loose, J dying in a horrific car accident, my mom being diagnosed w cancer- I'm talking some serious morbid sh*t. Usually around 5am I'm able to fall back asleep again. This obviously contributes to a feeling of utter exhaustion by day. I know you're thinking: SOMEBODY NEEDS A JOB. I concur, for the record.

Breakfast in Groups

J got me a really nice new camera for Xmas, so last night I took over 150 pictures of my dogs. The beagle pretends to hate it, but... does that look like the face of one who doesn't want her picture taken? Not to me, folks.

Last night J & I had our annual holiday disagreement over whose fam we see more. While my family gets together 14x throughout the holidays, we actually SLEEP OVER at his family's house. And, yo.... every hour counts.

I also don't like waking up & eating breakfast in other people's homes- or homes where you can't say, without offending someone, 'Where's the Starbucks? I'm going to get some. See ya.' Or 'Let's go to the diner. Hurry up.' If eating at home, I prefer to select my own breakfast & eat it while staring at a computer or TV. I don't want to converse or stare at someone's face.

Alas, my complaints directly result from MY OWN inflexibility & selfishness. J's fam shouldn't be crucified merely bc they offer you food when you awake & expect you to eat politely & in civilized manner around a table. MY fam is the problem- its anarchy. Upon waking you may burst out the door announcing, 'Going to the diner! May or may not be returning! Nobody is invited!' But that isn't considered rude in a state of lawlessness. My mom would likely respond, 'Wait! I'm COMING WITH! I'll buy!' En route, someone would notify the troops (read: brothers) that mom's buying breakfast & we'd all end up at the diner, trash talking the unfortunate, innocent soul who declined the invite (not that they'd care anyway). Ahh.. comfortable, familial love.

My step-dad will sometimes pull the "politeness" card. Like the time he told me that when I left without saying good-bye it really "hurt his feelings." His expectations of civility are too high (artificially so). He makes us all uncomfortable (for a trillion reasons). I mean, we may leave without saying good-bye, but at least we won't steal your significant other's panties & hide them in our office desk drawer.

Random Christmas Highlights (or Lowlights)

1. Back in 4th grade, Santa brought me Mariah Carey's Musicbox for Xmas. I vividly recall sitting at my grandma's listening to "Hero" very loudly on my new Discman on a chair in the corner. What a creep.

2. My dad generally means well, but he's a manipulative authoritarian father-very strict. My bros & I likely would've turned out differently had he been our primary caretaker. We'd either be in jail for murder (of him, that is) OR we'd be successful neurosurgeons. Anyway, periodically on Xmas during our teenage years he'd tell us he was moving to FL-at least for winter. He never did move. Ironically... or sadly, he stopped mentioning this desire once we were old enough to truly not give a sh*t. Prior to us not giving a sh*t, his strategic announcement would elicit tears. In retrospect, he was just trying to get us to spend more time at his house- my parents were constantly fighting over who had us for what holidays. Neither of them were ever satisfied, since they both wanted us all the time & never did learn to compromise. As an adult looking back, I can't believe he'd put us in that position. What a d*ck.

3. Now for a pro-dad memory: Every NYE when we were young, my mom would have plans & we'd go to my dad's house where he'd have a party for us. We ate pizza, played board games til midnight, ate ice cream sundaes & watched the ball drop with flutes of ginger ale. It was awesome.

4. Santa came to my dad's house in Xmas Eve morning & brought a ton of gifts- including one big one - like a bike, stereo, nice camera, train set (for a brother), etc... Then on Xmas day, he came to my mom's- also bringing a sh*t ton of gifts- including one big one that was unwrapped. On Xmas day we'd then go to my grandmother's, where we received just as many gifts as we received that morning, often including one big one. I remember paging through catalogues, just writing down random things I thought I might want bc I knew that people or Santa would run out of things to bring me. Santa came once a yr for J & his "big" gift was, like, a baseball bat or a lacrosse stick. The price I paid for being spoiled was dealing w my f*cked up parents & step-parents.

Alright, I've probably written enough depressing crap about my family for one day. My mom tells me that I have a tendency to remember only negative things about my childhood & that I don't give her credit for any of the good things (I occasionally ask her what she was thinking when X occurred or when she said X or precisely how she wanted the custody arrangement to work out, etc... ) I recognize this may be true. I also recognize that we all do the best we can in our situations. I've made many mistakes in my adulthood- ones that would certainly scar offspring - if I had them. And, at my age my mother already had multiple children. I'll probably end up scarring my children in ways I can't fathom at this time.

RIP Brittany Murphy

Sad, right? I'm still not over the death of the Golden Girls.

So J & I had a weekend filled w extended family Xmas stuff, but all was cancelled due to snow. Frankly, I wasn't bummed about spending the entire weekend on the couch. The 2 ft of snow affected me not (J probably feels a bit differently).

New Year's parties:

Umm.. I'm avoiding them. We declined a wedding invitation (not supposed to travel in month 9 &... I'm done going to weddings pregnant). I'd normally lose sleep w excitement over such an event- pretty dress, lots of make up, high heels & a bottomless glass of wine? Best Night Ever. Until now. J was sad we were missing this couple's ceremony, while I was sad I was missing a well-earned annual New Year's Day hangover (See how lucky our baby is to have J as a dad???!!).

I generally attend low key New Year's Eve celebrations. And I'm a sucker for wanting to watch the ball drop in Times Square. Do you realize how uncool it is to be at a party or bar & beg for someone to turn on Times Square? I've done this countless times & faced much mockery (almost as much as when I drunkenly & shamelessly beg the bride to please let the band/DJ play the Electric Slide). When I miss it, I feel like I missed New Year's. I love watching the last few seconds of the year & the confetti & then that moment of quiet as everyone watches the people in NYC singing. It's so beautiful & sad & hopeful. Wow, I'm lame.

I am a Bore

An out-of-town friend (which includes.... ALL my friends, come to think of it). She's a real trooper bc instead of having cocktails & apps... or even beer & a cig- we sat at a diner while I stuffed my face w my craving of the day. Diners are perfect, as the possibilities are endless. Then we went to Michael's so I could buy more paint for the nursery. Then we came home & watched J put together our downstairs pack'n'play/changing table. Oh, then I watched her & J wrap Xmas gifts (I do a terrible job... sometimes I think purposely so J will never expect it to be my job.). Then we watched Jersey Shore & went to bed.

Didn't I used to be fun? Maybe I was just a substance abuser. Maybe both. Definitely both.

Also...

I just wanted to do a quick tribute to my figure of yore. See my little boobs? How easy they were? Small & portable. I'd also like to add that I thought I had a gut at the time this picture was taken (our honeymoon). How hilarious is that? The grass is always greener, I suppose.

Only about 5 more wks to go....

35 Weeks

Here I am in all my unshowered glory. I had to crop my head from this picture bc the mere sight of my unwashed greasy hair & mascara smeared eyes makes me want to vomit even more than the feeling I get when I attempt to wear my jeans of yesteryear.

I've changed wife beaters to the traditional white, as you can see. Big changes in these parts. I don't know if this qualifies as a step up or a step down.


Below is a super depressing picture of what I hope to tackle today. That pile is located in our guest bedroom (the rest of which is relatively clean). But I find it to be insurmountable in terms of organization. It's comprised of a red blanket I hate (but was a gift from Good SIL so I can't trash it), a hawaiian shirt, warm-up pants (that I'll probably trash), piled on a tupperwear of my wrinkled dry-clean-only work clothes... which probably won't fit by my work start date. Oh, & a cork board.


Meanwhile I've done the baby's wash- all her newborn & 0-3 mos clothes, blankets, washcloths, sheets, etc... in Dreft (hypoallergenic laundry detergent, which some say is unnecessary). It was the last thing I felt like doing- so I figured I'd probably feel like doing it even less as the weeks progress.

I would call this "nesting," but the definition of "nesting" includes phrases like "sudden bursts of energy" & "strong desire to organize"- neither of which I have. My body may manifest its nesting instict by sitting on the couch eating ice cream while watching TV. Wouldn't that be a shame?! Or more like a shameful delight. It certainly beats laundry.

Q & A Session

I'm on my way to see Jesus's colic-y new baby, but I wanted to blog real quick. I texted her last night, hoping she'd say, 'We're too tired for guests!' but she responded, 'Come ASAP!' So off my fat a$$ goes to visit a screaming baby & a lonely mama.

My friend, TheBlind, asked me a few questions regarding my last blog entry that I figured I might as well answer publicly.

1. What is effacement? From Wiki, in short: Prior to effacement, the cervix is about 4 cm in length. In pregnancy, its tightly closed. As effacement occurs, the cervix shortens, pulling up into the uterus and becoming part of the lower uterine wall. I'd like to add that the cervix is, like, corked w a mucus plug that some pregnant women LOSE- either in whole (vomit) or in parts- & I guess it just looks like bloody stuff. I haven't yet experienced the wonder that is my mucus plug but, rest assured, I'll keep you posted.

2. How did the doctor know how far I was dilated/effaced? He shoved his finger up my vagina. Like, really far. It wasn't the most comfortable feeling, but it didn't hurt either. I thought I'd be in stirrups w a big light shining down on my nether regions & he'd have a ruler out. But he actually could estimate both dilation & effacement w a touch of his educated finger.

I'd like to finish up what was supposed to be a quick post w an update on my horrible body image. In the past, I dreamt of a boob job. I thought it would be fun to be a full C or even a full B. My 36C bra is TIGHT AS SH*T. I don't like big boobs. I change my mind. I want my little boobs back.

A final, final thought- I feel like insurance companies should pay for "mental health" ultrasounds. Bc I b*tch & b*tch about my fat body. Then when I have my u/s- I realize how worth it getting fat actually is. I tend to forget that it's not all about me. I see her little lips & nostrils & hear her beating heart & see her little feet & spine & ribs & fingers and I actually feel super guilty for even thinking for one second that I've gained too much or for resenting my new bod. I actually have no desire to be a skinny pregnant woman that results in an underweight baby. I want to give her every advantage that I can & I feel truly blessed to have her in my life. In short, I'm able to see the bigger picture. And it doesn't include for one second my temporary physical discomfort.

On that note, I'm going to get an egg mcmuffin. :)

Baby Pains

I was correct: Baby has descended. In other news, I'm 25% effaced & 1 cm dilated.

What does this mean? Nothing really. I can & probably will stay this way for over a month. Some people are like 80% effaced & 3 cm dilated for 4 weeks & their babies are 1 week overdue. On the contrary, other women aren't dilated at all & will have the baby that very night. So no need to run for cover. Or, in my case, no need to start doing laundry & finishing up the nursery. I gots at least 5 weeks, right?

What I can tell you firsthand that the dropped baby DOES mean for ME: I am super f*cking uncomfortable. Slightly nauseous, it's painful to sit for too long a time period, it's painful to walk for too long a time period & walking ain't easy. I'm also really tired.

So I'm glad that back in the beginning of my 3rd trimester I did all those things that many thought it was too early to do- like buy a nasal aspirator & the rest of the clothing she needs, etc.. bc that stuff seems like a lot of effort right now.

My lovehandles are also out of control. I'm anxious about what I'm supposed to wear for upcoming Xmas gatherings. J wants us to head to Good SIL's (where we're spending Xmas) on Dec 23, rather than Xmas eve. I'm not going to come out & say 'no,' but.... dude. I want 1 more day to TRY to poop in my own bathroom ("Try" being the operative word, but I value even the more-often-than-not ultimately unsuccessful attempt.), I want one less outfit to pick out & one final shower in my own bathroom, one more night of sleep in my own bed, one more meal picked out by ME & eaten in peace. Being away for 3 days seems loooooong.

Not too long ago, I looked forward to such mini-vacations!

Updates

As crazy as it gets around these parts:

1. Last night I awoke w a sharp pain at the bottom of my uterus. I assumed I had to pee (though this pain hasn't accompanied a full bladder previously), so I tried to get up, failed & remained in pain for about a minute. After some mid-morning googling, it appears the baby *may* have dropped (also evidenced by today's altered fetal movements & corresponding waddling. So hot.). I'll know for sure tomorrow at the doctor. Otherwise, it's my pelvis doing something funky in preparation for the big day.

2. Saturday night I attended a college friend's party (the one I made out w). Old roommate, (N- from Amsterdam) was there, as was maid-of-honor N. So it was really fun, but I was sober. Poor J had to sit there & listen to his wife's past sexual exploits. Thank God he was drunk.

3. Crazy SIL (my little brother's wife- to be distinguished from Evil SIL which is J's sister)- emailed me asking how I was doing. I responded, "I'm doing good. Just enjoying my last few weeks of the calm before the storm - sitting on the sofa w the dogs." I try to give as little info as possible, as she loves to give mushy unsolicited advice.

I failed. Her response included barf-worthy statements like, "Do NOT feel guilty for watching TV with your pups. Trust me, you'll never have time once the baby arrives. You'll love being a Mom. I know I do. I can;t wait to have more babies! If money weren't an issue, I would be pregnant right now! Enjoy your sofa before you are overwhelmed with awesome Mommy-duties ( :"

Thoughts: My desire to bond w her over this shared experience doesn't exist. We have nothing in common. My disdain for her was cemented in a separate paragraph of the same email.

She recently started working part-time as a cashier at Walgreens. She filled me in on how that was going, "I'm still working in the evenings. I miss banking/finance! The pharmacy tech thing doesn't do it for me...it's mindless compared to what I used to do. Either way, it fits my schedule and brings in some extra money for my bitty! I also really like my boss. He is so sweet ( : "

Thoughts: She misses banking/finance? As in investment banking? Or what... bc I'm confused. She was a bank teller. There is NOTHING wrong w being a bank teller, but let's call it like it is, eh? F*cking finance. She used to avoid family get togethers on weekends by saying she had "important appointments with clients." Now, pharmacy tech actually requires difficult schooling- it's super complicated. It's NOT the same thing as a cashier (again, NOTHING wrong a being a cashier but again.... ringing up some teenager's birth control at the register is NOT the same thing as being a pharm tech.). I may have mentioned this before, but she's also been going around telling random family members that she's a Registered Nurse. I'm not even going to grace that comment w a cynical response.

Also, does anyone find the comment about her boss being "so sweet" followed up w a smiley face to be suspect? I hope he's a little old man, otherwise, it looks like Crazy SIL wants me to believe she's about to be boned by the Walgreens manager. Which begs the question... why would you even HINT to your husband's sister about it?

I apologize for my general negativity. I tend to vent on this blog, which probably just makes me look really bad. But oh well.

Christmas Shopping

Are you supposed to get someone something they need, will definitely use, & would've purchased themselves (but now they don't have to)- like pay someone's electric bill for the month? Or something they WANT & wouldn't spend the $$ on- like a designer wallet? OR something that made you think of them---like a brass figurine of a pig wearing sunglasses?

I've been very poor (bc I've been a student forever) & mostly prefer choice (a)- something I NEED- a gas card, pay phone bill, money for my social life (when I had one back in college), dog food, etc...

These days, I secretly feel like a lot of the time, it's about the price. Which is really annoying bc I end up grabbing an item & thinking, 'Ok. This is $50/100/etc..., so its acceptable. I don't care if they like it or hate it, so long as they can't call me cheap afterwards & I can cross them off my list.' This feels contrary to the Xmas spirit.

I LIKE to buy people random things that they don't need- like a large, wooden statue of an elephant. Or a ceramic picture frame made in Ethiopia. Or a venus fly trap. Or a huge iron, ornate cruicifix. (All gifts I've given). But people sometimes seemed confused upon opening them.

So more often than not, I buy gift cards.

I think I have the wrong attitude about gifts. But they totally stress me out. And I'd totally rather not receive and not give than have to fight the crowds & debate w J on what his mom truly wants. Or get someone s/t they hate. Or insult them in some way by not spending enough, etc...I just wish people made Xmas registries.

J wanted to go out & shop for his parents today. I convinced him to call & just ask them what they wanted. Both of them said, 'I don't know what I want. And I can't think of anything for your mom/dad.' So I showered & dressed & braved the pouring rain to drive w J to this little crafty store nearby. I knew things were looking down when J came over to me within the first 2 minutes & said, 'So what do you think?' He was barely even looking at the merchandise. I tried to send him a hint that he should actually LOOK & consider the items for sale by stating, "Not sure yet. I'm still looking." I grabbed an unobjectionable necklace off a shelf (I've seen the same one at Banana, but this one was made in Kenya) & said, "What about this? Think your mom would like it?" He barely looked at it and said without missing a beat, "I dunno." And then looked side to side and repeated, "So what do you think?" We left empty-handed & eventually decided on candles for her. I burn candles all the time, but I honestly don't believe she does.

But I also honestly don't care. Because now she's crossed off my list.

Quick Party Update

The party ended up actually kind of fun.

Drawback: The top of my dress was one of those faux wrap designs. Since my boobs are so huge these days, I had to pin the top closed. I realized mid-party that the pin was showing. But I'm at peace w this- after scouring the mall for dresses & finding nothing superior to the dress I already owned (literally 1st time in my life this happened)- my only alternative was revealing my huge knockers to the entire firm. Definitely not okay.

Benefit of being pregnant while at party: I try to stay/become tight w the partners' wives. As par for the course with regard to pregnancy, I found myself surrounded by 3 of them, listening to the grueling details of their birthing stories. I actually became so close w the one wife (she was super hot) that she was like, 'You don't really want to work, do you?' It was a tough situation- because I really do, but I didn't want to knock NOT working (she's a rich stay-at-home who summers at the beach, cruising in her Mercedes, etc...). I think I just changed the subject, so as not to tarnish our new relationship.

The Evening I've Been Dreading for Over 2 Weeks

Tonight is my firm's Xmas party. I've been dreading this from the moment I learned of it.

Yesterday I emailed a young female associate I befriended while working there to inquire about the dress code. She told me she was wearing a short, black cocktail dress with short sleeves. I was *praying* she'd say she was wearing whatever she wore to work today. Nope.

My only option is a 3/4 length sleeved, black, non-maternity dress w an empire waist (for belly room) I've been sporting sporadically throughout this pregnancy. I wonder how I'll feel about wearing it post-pregnancy. Post-pregnancy. Can you believe this is a reality in my future? The near future nonetheless!

I just returned from the mall in search of a new dress that I love. HA! I have remembered & must continue to remember to give myself a little breathing room- I'm 8.5 months pregs. Things could be worse. But as I squeezed into a polyester dress- I was battling dry skin, bad hair, pregnancy fat, and painful boobs- I ripped the dress off in self-disgust. My body is just so awkward and difficult to maneauver.

Cricket Doll Photo

This is a photographic illustration to accompany today's earlier post.

Featuring: Cricket- the best Christmas gift I ever received (in terms of excitement, surprise, hope, anticipation, & ultimately, delight). Circa Christmas, 1987.

This is also my effort at avoiding laundry & cleaning muddy floors. Mission accomplished.

Seriously, how underwhelming is this doll? And creepy. Can you believe that at one point in my life, I saw her sitting under my tree & screamed with delight?! Don't you feel sad that there are so few objects or events in life that can generate such joy for/from you these days? Perhaps this is why we should spend more on kids at Christmas. Their days are numbered.

I didn't intend for this post to be depressing!

Christmas Survey

I feel compelled to do some sort of Xmas Post, but I'm not really feeling the holiday yet. I hope this changes bc last year I vividly recall harboring a disproportionate amount of the holiday spirit.

1. Eggnog or hot chocolate? Hot chocolate. J likes eggnog.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Back in the day, Santa wrapped his presents. One huge present was always left unwrapped. The year I stopped believing in Santa was a direct result of "Santa" having wrapped my presents in my step-dad's company wrapping paper. How much is wrapping paper, like $4? Cheap bast*rd.

3. Colored lights on the tree/house or white? I prefer white. Growing up, I recall colored.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? Nope. I don't know if I've ever even seen mistletoe.

5. When do you put your Christmas decorations up? The day after Thanksgiving.

6. Favorite holiday dish? Chocoloate chip cookies.

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child? Getting together w my cousins, for sure. The anticipation gave me butterflies for weeks. Also, entering the living room & getting the first glimpse of the presents (I was spoiled re: Xmas presents. My parents were probably competing for our love. Santa came twice & always brought a ton.)

8. When did you learn the truth about Santa? See Question 2. To step-dad's credit, I was 8... maybe even 9 or 10. Way too old. My mom was that good.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Nope.

10. How do you decorate a tree? After someone else puts the lights and possibly some form of garland on the tree, I help hang ornaments.

11. Snow! Love it or dread it? Dread it.

12. Can you ice skate? Eh.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? In kindergarten Santa brought me a Cricket doll. Do you remember her? She had blonde hair & I think you could put cassette tapes in her back & she'd talk to you. I was so freaking psyched about this gift, I brought her in for show-and-tell like 3 wks straight. Last yr I tried to convince J to buy me a puppy, wrap it in a box (w holes in it) & give it to me on Xmas morning. He said he wanted me to be able to pick it out. So last Xmas he "gave" me Hannah- but I ended up actually getting her in February. So I suppose I received his permission for Hannah for Xmas. Which is totally budget. (To his credit, he got me awesome gifts as well).

14. What is the most important thing about the holidays to you? I suppose getting to see friends/family. I love Xmas parties of all types.

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? Is pumpkin pie still available? Eeks.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? It used to be watching Christmas Vacation at my dad's on Xmas Eve. Now it's probably going to my gma's on Xmas Day. J's fam's tradition of getting wasted on Xmas Eve was beginning to compete w ALL my family's traditions, but I quickly realized it ends in Evil SIL screaming/crying, which sends everyone to bed well before 10. My 1st Xmas w them, J had me run upstairs to hide from the drama in the kitchen. I foolishly left my full wine glass on the kitchen counter. It was 8pm. And, to boot, his parents' house is always freezing and J's childhood bedroom doesn't have a comforter- just a QUILT. So I was sober & cold. Knowing a good portion of my family was up laughing their a$$es off to Chevy Chase in the neighboring state made me miss them terribly.

17. What tops your tree? A star.

18. Which do you prefer-Giving or Receiving? Nothing feels better than giving after having found the perfect gift. But finding this perfect gift is so hard.

19. Favorite Christmas song? O Holy Night

20. Candy Canes-Yuck or Yum? Yuck.

21. Favorite Christmas movie? Home Alone II.

22. Saddest Christmas song? Christmas Canon

Alright, speaking of golden retriever- the gift that keeps on giving- I need to take her for a walk. She's driving both me and the beagle completely nuts.

Random

1. We woke up to a flooded backyard & pouring rain today, so J took great pains to walk the dogs out front. Once he left, I let them run free through the puddles. I had to lure them back in with pieces of ham.

2. I finally found curtains I'm satisfied with for the baby's room. I'm resisting the urge to paint stripes down one wall.

3. Yesterday I went shopping w my mom. I bought a winter coat that is large enough to accomodate my growing belly. I hate to spend money on a coat I'll only be wearing for such a short time period.

4. I also bought some cute outfits on sale from BabyGap.

5. Today I realized that if I were still in law school, I'd be in the midst of finals. Instead, I'm in the midst of 2 doggies on the couch.

Ungrateful Biotch

That would be me.

Instead of being simply happy that I'm blessed with child- I'm feeling super nauseous, fat, and out of breath today. I think I'm coming down with something. The last time I felt nauseous, the nurse asked if I had a cold & said that s/t if you swallow your own mucous it can upset the ole' stomach. I do have a slightly runny nose, so I'm thinking that's it. Along with constipation (for the sake of full disclosure).

Due to our 1st snowstorm & my phobia of driving on ice, I missed out on N's (old college roommate) party. This made me sad, but she was cool about it. She's never been an a$$hole & that hasn't changed. I hate when you miss a party or an engagement & the host acts like it just wasn't a party without you there- despite the presence of a ton of other people.

To add to my list of things that I'll do when I'm not pregnant- EXERCISE. I cannot wait. I'm aware that WALKING is still an option, but I'm not talking walking (although walking does wear me down these days so I shouldn't knock it). I want to run. Forever. On or off a treadmill- no matter- but for at least an hour. Then I want to shower, put on my OLD jeans & go out for sushi and wine. Then I want to wake up & have a Red Bull & do it all over again.

I kind of feel like I did when I was on week 2 of our Italian honeymoon. I obviously wanted to remain on vaca, but longed to temporarily Americanize the hotel & take the afternoon of site-seeing & eating/drinking off. I wanted a hotel gym to materialize, along with my exercise clothes/ipod & for J to be entertained for a few hrs- so that I could go for a super long run, get a good shower & then get ready to go back on the town in Italy with GOOD electricity (blow dryers, irons, & curling irons barely get hot in Italy). But beforehand, I'd nab an American coffee. Oh, and for dinner, I wanted something other than pasta. J was hurt when I voiced my desires (he interpreted it to mean I wasn't having a great time, which is 100% untrue). I suppose I'm just shamelessly American.

BUT being pregnant doesn't feel very American (especially w all these puritans judging me for indulging in my 1 cup of coffee a day... although I suppose Americans are known for being prudish)- my choices/options are just so limited. Ironically, isn't it in Europe where pregnancy rules are super laxed? Maybe I should be wishing I was back in Italy about now.

Keeping Busy

I've accidentally & uncharacteristically been keeping rather busy since early yesterday. I photographed the nursery for blog-posting purposes, only to realize that I secretly hated it. It just wasn't coming together. So I've been painting & rearranging. I forgot how therapeutic being artistic can be.

I've also been suffering from some serious chronic heartburn. I never experienced heartburn- not once- before becoming pregs. I suppose I should just be grateful my ankles & feet haven't turned to balloons, but I wouldn't want to spare you any pregnancy details. The weirdest thing is when I'm hungry while simultaneously experiencing heartburn. Heartburn makes eating unpleasant, but, dude, I'm starving.

I looked up causes: caffeine, large meals, chocolate, fried & fatty foods, tomatoes, alcohol, tobacco, citrus fruits, wearing tight clothes, eating before bed.

Let's see... haven't had chocolate or a particularly large meal, nor have I indulged in fried or fatty food or tomatoes. I'm alcohol/tobacco free & haven't had an orange in like a week. I wouldn't classify my sweatpants/wife beater as "tight" &, due to last night's heartburn, I didn't eat before bed. I did have coffee- but only an hour ago (Thus far- the highlight). For bfast I had cheerios & a banana, grapes before lunch, & a veggie burger & banana for lunch. All this was consumed w the intentions of preventing today's heartburn. No dice.

Oh, and shaving the ole' nether regions- it's become a leap of faith. I throw a leg up on the toilet & attempt to remember what exactly is happening down there. Unbeknownst to J, I've been using HIS razor because its always super sharp & efficient (Aren't you glad you're not married to me? Sigh.. the cross he bears). I'm definitely leaning towards getting a wax a week before I'm due.

Pictures

Here I am in all my glory, 1 day shy of 33 wks- unshowered & wearing this time a GRAY wife beater & blue sweatpants. No stretch marks yet, but I'm anticipating their arrival any day now. I've read that some women get them DAYS before delivery. Do you know how pissed off I'd be if I made it to like 40 wks, 1 day - only for stretch marks to suddenly appear?? While it's ultimately worth it, I would cry anyway.


Anyway, Baby's Shoe Collection:

I've received a number of cool shoes.





Little pink sneakers- I have no clue who got these for me, but I dig them. Even though they're pink.




I love the shoes above. These are from Good SIL. I love the satin ribbon laces. I will see to it that she gets some wear out of these- even if it means dressing her up for an afternoon feeding.

J strongly vetoed these furry boots I bought at Old Navy for $12. His exact words were "Return them." I thought I was going to return them, but when I got to the store, I just couldn't do it. I love them.

These pink pleather loafers are also from Good SIL. They couldn't be more pink, but they're so ugly that they've grown on me.

These black mary janes are from the friend I made out with in that video that's still sitting upstairs at my brother's house. They were the first pair of baby shoes I received & they're definitely my favorite.

These argyle shoes are from a good high school friend. These are J's faves.

On that note, I'm going to shower. I feel really scummy right now.

Fall Decor & Mild Training Success

Updated Xmas Decor Pics:

Below is a photo of the banister decor- holly branches intertwined w white lights. Not particularly exciting............. at least to us.

Hannah, however, feels otherwise. She has taken to eating these plastic-coated styrofoam berries in her downtime. Much of the holly berry garland has become - sticks.

Below are our stockings. Aren't they awesome?

And this is our Xmas tree- mostly completed. Still needs more ornaments.

I forgot to post a picture of the extent of this year's fall decor: Orange lights strung around a banner. I looked for a garland of fall leaves, but the only ones I could find looked super cheap. I also have a fall-scented candle in the kitchen.

Initially I determined that our dog training course resulted in nothing more than hairy bologna fingers & a confused golden. But this morning, when I practiced our commands, Hannah seemed to have retained quite a bit. During class, though, she was rolling on the ground, tugging in every direction, jumping on instructors, etc... J & I held back tears of laughter as our dog perfectly demonstrated WHY we decided to pay for training classes.

The beagle was happy to greet us upon our arrival home & probably did a great deal of this while waiting.


Lastly, some fam is coming in today to see the baby's room & take me out to lunch. I never directly asked whether step-dad was planning on gracing us w his presence, so today I asked my mom ostensibly for lunch reservations purposes, "How many total will there be?" She responded, "The 4 of us- me, [step-dad], Aunt _, Uncle _." Ugh. Yesterday I resolved to be less negative about the situation (& all situations involving family I dislike, in-laws included), but I'm failing. I didn't even make it 24 hours.

I just heard a loud thud from the neighbor's house & the woman scream her 2 yr old's name. Loud crying ensued. I suppose someone is having a worse day than me (& my day hasn't even been remotely bad, for the record). With this mindset, I will attempt to ward off negative thoughts.

Domestic Weekend

I forgot to mention how domestic J & I were this weekend during our down time.


1. We made whole wheat sugar cookies (photos below). J had it in his mind that sprinkles are the only appropriate topping for sugar cookies, but I wanted to play w icing. The wheat flour was eh & it turns out I suck at decorating cookies, rolling out dough, & using cookie cutters. J did most of the work. Look how unappetizing that gingerbread man looks with red sprinkles on top of green paste-like icing. And what's with the uneven sprinkle application on that bell? Gross.




But this beauty pictured above? I did this one. It's my favorite.

2. We also purchased & decorated a fake Xmas tree. I insisted on fake (due to dogs). Since this photo was taken, we've purchased more ornaments, a tree skirt, & a star for the top. Also pictured is the spackle below our lightswitch next to the door. We eventually plan on repainting this room, but.... only after we do the trillion other projects that home ownership has placed before us.

3. And this hunk of burning love pictured below? She has her first day of school tonight. Dog training, here we come. I can't wait. J will be accompanying us due to my delicate condition.

4. J also replaced a lightswitch. I'd like to add that I helped. I think I'm better at home electrical repairs than baking.


I'm determined to get a picture of the nursery up here, as well as a picture of my huge belly. I had a dr appt today & so far, so good. Her heart's beating & she's head down.

Grumpy Pregnancy Post. Yikes.

To finish up w the last post- the event that occurred after dinner was merely me accidentally insulting Evil SIL. This is a simple feat. J's dad asked what I thought of them tearing down a wall separating the kitchen & living room. I said it sounded cool & joked that with all the little rooms in the house, I get lost (bad joke, yes, but a joke nonetheless). Apparently this really grinded Evil SIL's gears- bc she kept saying things to herself like, 'How can one get LOST in this house?' and 'There are only 4 rooms- LOST?'

Note that this is the same thing that occurred at Easter- since I said nothing offensive in serious tone, she had to resort to finding offensive a lukewarm statement made in jest. OR she just has a stick shoved so far up her a$$ that even an attempt at a joke is far from her consciousness (most likely scenario).

Oh, the pleasure of her company knows no bounds.

My family's Thxgiving, despite full attendance, was uneventful. I've also determined after hanging out w my 2 nephews at my Thxgivings that I am partial to my own nephews (when compared w J's). This isn't a good quality. To my credit, though, I've confirmed that my family's holidays aren't 100% kid-focused & I witnessed my brother taking his screaming baby to the other room, calming him down & then rejoining the fam once he chilled out. At dinner, despite the presence of children, the conversation involved my uncle's gripes, birthing stories (yummy), and Thxgivings of yore- as opposed to a group rendition of "Wheels on the Bus" & who did/not eat his or her green beans.

Anyway, one last depressing fact- it appears we will be spending Xmas at Good SIL. This bums me out. I don't want to board my dogs. I don't want to sleep at someone else's house. I don't want to be forced to hang out w 40 random children at some lame community activity. 37 wks pregs is full term, so I can't wish for labor- as I'll only be 36 wks.

Ok, enough in-law venting. BUT I must add that MIL is far, far more bearable when compared to Evil SIL. Perhaps I should count my blessings.

Therefore, I will. Due to the negative tone of this post, I will list some recent developments I'm thankful for:

1. Our Xmas tree. It's fake as h*ell, but beautiful.

2. Target. I love that store. I love the way I feel when walking into it, I love its endless possibilities.

3. The fact that I have less than 2 months left of pregnancy. And, God willing, it will end in a baby. It's starting to feel more real & more exciting.

4. The fact that at this moment, I don't have to wake up for a screaming baby. Thus far, I'm definitely cool w being pregnant and I'm not feeling frustrated that I'm *still* pregnant. And I've resigned myself to the fact that I can't exercise, drink a ton of caffeine/wine, walk dogs without falling flat on my face, wear good jeans, bend over, shave myself w ease, etc...

5. J & my dogs.

6. My 1 cup of coffee a day. God bless yee.

Survival

Disclaimer: I really like my in-law niece & nephew. And they're usually great kids. I just fear every holiday dinner I have for the rest of my life will be ruined if I follow the lead of Good SIL & her husband.

I'm super psyched that's over.

Dinner was to be at 5:00. We headed over to the in-laws at aroud 2:30 (after an awesome morning of hanging out), and everyone was napping. After pacing around like idiots for a half hour, we went home.

Upon our re-arrival, some people were stirring. It was Good SIL, Good SIL's 2 kids & husband, Evil SIL, MIL, & FIL. Oddly, everything went smoothly until after dinner.

Although I must admit that dinner was somewhat annoying since there was zero adult conversation- just everyone trying to get the 4 yr old to eat his sweet potatoes- literally, the entire time. He responded by crying, pouting, crawling under the table, pretending to shoot guns. My personal opinion on the matter? Who gives a sh*t if he doesn't eat his sweet potatoes- he's 4. Let him eat what he will & then go and play OR sit there so we can talk about something else- even if "something else" is how he likes his new school. I asked J about this later & he said they're probaby trying to get him in the habit of eating all his dinner. I told him that in the future, we're not involving the entire extended family in our quest to teach our daughter to eat her green beans. Our entire family's Thanksgiving shouldn't revolve around our kid. On this special day, I will feed her beforehand if necessary & then set her up w a good movie or some form of entertainment if her table behavior threatens to wreak havoc. My nephew (my brother's kid) just sits there while we eat- & always has- like an angel. He's the model child. And it's doubly cool because as he gets older, he interjects into the conversation more and more w awesome points. But, 5 years ago, by no means did the entire table's conversation revolve around him eating his f*cking potatoes. Dinner was torture yesterday (although I do like the kids, I feel like this is their parents' fault).

I recognize that my family may be the odd balls-Other families would think that we hate our children or something. But that's just not the truth.

Edit: I just brought this up w J. He said he's not giving our child the option of skipping out on family dinner. I told him I'm not ruining our family's dinner bc our child won't eat- I used my nephew as an example. He said my nephew is unique. I disagree, but with reservations. I must figure out a solution to this potential problem.

At my grandma's, we were at the kids' table the second we were out of the high chair. At this specially designated table, you keep quiet, eat, & ask to be excused when finished. If excused, you could go and play in the other room- quietly. Or there was hell to pay. We complied. My aunts and uncles didn't sing to us to try to encourage us to eat our green beans. If I crawled under the table, I'd be as good as dead. Eating veggies was a "lesson" learned the rest of the year- in the privacy of our own home.

I'd also like to add that if I weren't stone cold sober & exhausted w back pain - I probably wouldn't have been so annoyed/afraid for my future.

My Favorite Thanksgiving

My favorite Thxgiving took place while studying abroad. I'd been over in England for months at that point, so we all (fellow study abroad-ers, professors, other British students) had become quite familiar by that point- which made everything all the more enjoyable. The school tried *really hard* to make Thxgiving special for us- mission accomplished.

The school is regularly super formal at every meal. So this Thxgiving dinner was no exception. Everyone dressed to the nines & sat at super long tables in a gorgeous hall (after a lengthy cocktail hour, naturally)- complete with mini American flags as centerpieces & American flag napkins. Our wine glasses were not empty for one second- the waitstaff made sure of this.

I vaguely recall that the meal involved pumpkin soup, pecan pie, turkey, and a mixture of beans/carrots. The memory ends there.

Post-meal, everyone walked across the building to the college bar (which included pool tables, a huge TV, a dance floor... similar to perhaps a student center at an American college, but with a strong emphasis on alcohol). The debauchery continued until the wee hours of the morning.

This was my first Thxgiving away from my grandmother's house (though not the last, since the in-laws). While I missed my family a great deal at times while abroad, Thxgiving was not one of those days.

Happy Thxgiving!

Birthday Month

As my birthday month is days away, I thought I'd take the time to reminisce on my 27th year.

27 began with J & I at a fancy dinner at a nice restaurant in our old city. Then I took finals.

Since that dinner we purchased a house, got a new puppy, got pregs, got a new water heater, deck, fence, living room furniture, and bed/mattress (no wonder we're broke). On that note, we've also been ripped off countless times, but we're wiser. Oh, and we took a road trip.

Individually, I received the worst grade I received in law school, finished law school, passed the MPRE & bar, & got a new car. I also landed a babysitting gig & subsequently quit. And became an aunt again. Oh, and I threw J a really fun surprise 30th. Subsequent to that party, though, I quickly became an extraordinarily more boring version of myself.

While I consider my biggest accomplishment of the year passing the bar, the most exciting event has definitely been the baby.

Regarding what I'm "thankful" for- as far as this gluttonous holiday is concerned: I'm thankful for a great deal of generic things (family, friends, etc...) but, ultimately, I'm definitely most grateful that I wasn't born in a nation replete with corruption, poverty, & oppression (think... North Korea). All of the positive events I was privileged to experience this year are not testaments to me & my own awesomeness, but to the opportunities already before me due to my lucky birth- I just opted to take advantage of them. If given a 2nd chance, I'd do a few things differently (a diff undergrad major, etc..), but at this point in time I am not eating dirt out of a ditch on the side of the road. I am able to feel bad for myself for ridiculous reasons- like having to wait to start my totally awesome job & for the curtains of my dreams to arrive in the mail, not being able to completely furnish my new house at one time, & being unable to find the perfect decor for our new bookshelf. And this is pretty awesome.

So, in short, I'm thankful that the United States ain't North Korea.

Is it obvious that I just finished reading the biography of Mother Teresa? :)

Success

I've successfully returned from Old Navy & Target with suitable clothing for the holidays. I didn't end up with maternity clothes, though- just a larger size in regular people clothes.

Upon my return I received a phone call from my firm- I'm invited to the Xmas Party. I will be 34 weeks pregnant and 100% sober. I'm going to go ahead & call this one of my worst nightmares. I'm obviously going to go (unless I go into premature labor, which is unlikely). Thank God J is invited- he's a good professional mingler. I got off the phone and realized that I had nervously sweated completely through my shirt- Since I started law school, I developed a profuse nervous sweating problem. Words cannot express how important this job is to me, so any time I converse with anyone from the firm, my sweat glands work overtime, my face turns bright red &, afterwards, I obsess over the politically correct nature of every word I said.

Enough rambling.

Here's a dull Thanksgiving dinner tidbit: My little bro, his atrocious wife & their colic-y baby just plain old didn't show to my dad's Thanksgiving- no call, nada. I was happy she wasn't there bc I hate [getting stuck talking to] her. My dad's feelings were hurt, though. Let's cross our fingers for her absence at my mom's family's Thanksgiving! Therefore, the day was drama free, relaxing, & my grandpa & I got to chill. He told me he's looking forward to our next Coors Light together. Me too, gramps, me too.

Maternity Clothes

The time has pretty much come- at least as far as semi-nice clothing goes.

The problem: I wore my one nice outfit to my shower...where I saw pretty much everyone who lives locally. So I can't re-wear that outfit to Thanksgiving.

My maternity jeans are a *tad* too short for heels. I feel compelled to wear heels to Thanksgiving. Although... there's something about my refusal to wear flats that seems unreasonable, as I will be 8 months pregnant. Particularly since I've fallen twice.

I should add that I wore a wife beater, jeans, and sneakers to my dad's T-giving. I feel less comfortable doing this at the in-laws &, moreover, we were invited down the street from J's parents house for a get together w J's high school friends. PUBLIC: AHHHHH!!!!!! We all know what an agorophobic I've become.

Tomorrow I will go shopping & find something to wear. Today I will continue sitting on the couch and watching The Office with my 2 dogs. If I weren't feeling so depressed about having to be seen during the holidays, I would live up to my promise and photograph myself. I secretly wish they still had those homes for pregnant teens. Maybe if I paid them enough money, they'd let me spend these last 5 months hanging out w pregnant 16 year olds at the home.

Quick Neighbor Update

My theory that they're attempting to have another kid is unlikely- today she kindly offered me their child's high chair and a huge thing of Dreft (baby laundry detergent). So sweet of her.

New theory: They were just drunk.

I really love their dog & the feeling is obviously mutual. I wish they would ask me to dogsit for them.

Tomorrow is my first Thanksgiving of the season- w my dad's side of the family.

Clearly, J is working late and I have no life. This is my 3rd update today.

Boyz II Men

Today en route to Target I was stopped at a red light. To my right was a girl in what appeared to be her early teens jamming out to "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men. I wish she was my friend.

Fell Again

Ugh, I freaking fell again this morning. I was walking the beagle & she pooped. I bent down to pick it up when she jerked forward (probably saw a squirrel- big f*cking deal, right?) and the next thing I knew I was on the ground. There was dog poop on my pinky. My skinned knee from my last fall re-opened (which makes me want to vomit) & hurts like sh*t. No wonder kids scream so loud when they skin their knees. It hurts!

Either way, I didn't land on my stomach (at least not forcefully) but I called in to my doctor anyway. Unfortunately, this probably means I'll spend the greater portion of my afternoon at the hospital being monitored. I was looking forward to an afternoon of watching The Office & baking a squash casserole and a pumpkin pie.

I'm also really mad at the beagle now. I wish I could make her understand english somehow & then punch her in the face and tell her what an a$$hole she is for making me fall into her poop and skin my knee. Instead, I just hobbled home and jumped into the shower, feeling bad for myself.

I feel like I traded my old body (the body that didn't fall flat on her face in public) for a new body (the body that *does* fall flat on her face in public). It's sneaky bc you feel like you have normal balance in your body until the next thing you know, you're face down in cement and confused as to how you got there. And you're mainly confused bc the last time you checked, you knew how to use your f*cking legs.

Recently

Well, first of all, Happy 31 Weeks! 9 more to go. My back hurts like crazy almost constantly when I'm sitting or laying down. Although I don't have swollen hands/feet, etc.. I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for my stretch marks- I have no doubt they will come, but I'm cool w it.

I'm also becoming increasingly more panicked about the loss of sleep I will endure. I selfishly cherish each night these days. Although my back pain makes sleeping more difficult so, ironically, I'm up for about 2 hours each night reading anyway. Having to pee is usually what initially wakes me up, then back pain and baby movement is what seals the deal for the next 2 hrs.

I've also finally been experiencing cravings. And they typically involve ice cream or pumpkin pie. Or both (but not pumpkin ice cream). I've been so freaking hungry too. I wonder if this is at least partially bc I'm not working. Although I know that the baby is having/about to have a huge growth spurt. Since my baby shower, my stomach has gotten larger. I'll post another picture tomorrow. Ironically, I'm wearing the yellow wife beater right now.

J called me a moment ago to ask if I've heard from Evil SIL. I answered "no." He told me he thinks she's mad at him for not answering her call on Saturday. I think we're safe, though, since she's already on the outs with Good SIL. It would be to her strategic detriment to have burned all her bridges at once. I haven't been answering Evil SIL's calls either, but I'm blaming that on being pregnant. On the bright side, if she's mad at us, we'll get to leave Thanksgiving early!!

The Neighbors Back At It

We heard the neighbors again last night. This is unprecedented. We went from never having heard even a peep to some serious monkey wrestling 2 nights in a row. I also witnessed some pre-foreplay giggling.

Theories:

1. Their kid is at the grandparents. (Theory since proven incorrect when I saw the woman put the kid in her car his morning.)

2. Procreation attempt. Their kid is about to turn 2. Seems like par for the reproductive course. I asked her in Sept if they were planning on more. She was on the fence, as they were older. But, by the sounds of it, they ain't on the fence anymore.

3. They WANT us to hear, hoping it turns us on and we decide to engage in some freaky neighbor biz. I was reminded of the SATC episode involving Samantha & what turned out to be her unattractive new neighbors (the dancer).

I'm going w Theory 2. But J and I noted that, if these 2 nights mean we have the ability to hear them all the time, why haven't we heard them since we moved in? We do go to bed later than them, but since I've been pregs (May), we've been going to bed pretty d*mn early. And last night we heard them at, like, 10pm (J and I were watching Catch Me If You Can in bed. I love Leonardo DiCaprio movies). And 2 nights ago we heard them at 11:00. Have they not banged since last winter? That sucks.

Forewarning: Long Entry Involving Stepdad

Disclaimer: Much of below is a repeat, but I must repeat to bring coherence to the legend.

Post-uneventful hospital visit w Jesus's new fam, I stopped by my mom & step-dad's house to visit. As I've previously alluded, I never liked my step-dad- he's been an a$$hole since I was 6. Consistently rude with extraordinarily bizarre & public behavior- ranging from ludely commenting to my brothers about my developing friends' chests to ignoring my friends ringing my doorbell to never acknowleding my presence, yet the first to [attempt to] ground me or search my room/car for "drugs" (of which I had no involvement at the time). I also found a pair of my brother's old gf's panties in the filing cabinet in his office along w a bunch of porn- with titles like, 'Connie loves c*ck,' etc... Upstanding guy, right? In '03, I voiced my disdain for his behaviors by listing the above & called him a disgusting pervert. I recognize this might be perceived as immaturity on my part, but I meant it (& still do) with every ounce of my being.

For 3 years we didn't speak & I was at peace w this: we could stop pretending/trying to get along & just ignore each other. But post-engagement, I succombed to my mom's wish (her words) & "apologized" for calling him a pervert. He never apologized for hoarding a young girl's underwear- Note: I'm amazed my mom STAYED WITH HIM after learning of this. But, alas, I needed wedding money. He was so happy he cried & said s/t like, 'I was devastated the entire 3 yrs, 4 mos, 3 days, 2 hrs, 3 min, 25 seconds since we last spoke.' A personal Moral Pause ensued: Is it me? Am I heartless? Did I miss something? Shortly thereafter, he answered these questions by resuming his a$$hole tendencies: saying rude things to me at holidays, offering a grumpy "hi" in lieu of legit casual conversation, rudely ordering me around at family gatherings, etc... I simply realized that some things never change & that I simply could not stand this man. Nothing new.

Fast Forward 1.5 yrs- I'm preg & taking the bar. He loves children (let's hope not too much) & started acted more humanely towards both of my brothers once they procreated. Once I came out of the closet w my pregnancy, his behavior towards me radically changed- sending encouraging texts re: studying & passing the bar, talking to me at family events, wanting to see how big my stomach got, etc... As usual, I humored him & complied. But 2 facts remain: we're not close & he's a d*ck (I mean, I haven't forgotten the past 22 yrs).

Yesterday whilst visiting, he did stop in the living room & chat w my mom & me. But then my mom & I ascended the stairs to my room to collect a nightstand & a wall hanging for the baby's room. We were up there for about a half hour before it was time for my mom to head to work (she works at the hospital). We carried the crap outside, hugged, & I drove away. Less than 1 mile from my house, step-dad called & left a voicemail. It said, 'I can't believe you left without saying good-bye. Call me back.' Wtf? I called him back & he repeated that I hurt his feelings deeply & he actually had a gift for me & can I turn back. I turned back, praying that my mom hadn't left for work yet. She had.

Step-dad approached me with tears in his eyes (I'm gonna go ahead & say that any reader knows me well enough to know that this is up there w the worst of my nightmares). He said to me, "I know we've never been close, but I'd like that to change. It really hurt my feelings that you left without saying good-bye. I haven't seen you in months & I have a present for you. And I don't know when I will see you next." I'm keep it real for a moment: Firstly, I saw him for 2 days in a row at the beach in late July, 1 day in Sept, & 1 day in Oct. Thanksgiving is next week. If he dies before next wk, then I'll probably feel bad. But if he doesn't, wtf is this guy talking about? Second of all, instead of "announcing" our newfound friendly relationship, why not allow one to build gradually through a series of positive interactions. Hell- neutral interactions.

My response: "Ok. I'm really sorry I hurt your feelings. Thank you for thinking of me [re: the gift]." The gift was this rare coin (he loves coins). I left the house feeling distrubed. One side of me: I'm ecstatic I don't live w this dude anymore- I waited virtually my entire life to be rid of him & now that I finally am, he wants me to voluntarily seek him out? I'm not feeling it- I simply don't like him as a person & I've yet to discover a redeeming quality. The other (very small) side of me pities him: He has no one, his family is virtually retarded & he spent the last 22 yrs regretfully burning all his bridges- now he wants grandkids, etc... And, afterall, didn't he forgive his dad for being a d*ck? Sadly for step-dad, we're not his biological children & therefore are not programmed to love him despite that he is an a$$hole. That actually just solidified our hatred for him. God forbid my mother dies (a devastating thought), there will exist no trace of my brothers/me in his life- we all dislike him & never answer his calls for a reason. But I question whether this is one of those defining life moments where I should muster up compassion for the low man. And if so, precisely how many times am I supposed to "give him another chance?" Bc at this point, I'm feeling like he's out of chances.

However, I've no doubt that he will answer this question for me within the next few months- he will inevitably resume his a$$hole tendencies & I will be relieved of this "duty" to be close to him. He is socially retarded, afterall. And despite what happens between us, I will never leave my daughter alone w him. And I will never force her to go camping as a child.

If you're still reading, you are loyal- bc I'm barely following me. But ANYWAY, this brings me to a larger issue: Pregnancy brings forth people from the wood work who realize you're "growing up" & they're getting old & never meant to be a d*ck/always intended to be closer to you & time is growing short. But you (or at least me) are the same person you were pre-pregnancy & if you didn't want to hang out w someone before you got knocked up, you definitely don't wanna chill w them now that you're all moody & people are more likely to piss you off.

Similarly, since anouncing my pregnancy, I've received an extraordinary amount of invites to hang out w random children (since the world now sees me as a a lover of all children). But I'm not. I'm a dog person. And while I love MY kid & other selectively cool kids- I don't love the company of 40 strange children at one time. (Note: I worked at a daycare & I did love the kids I worked with. I knew them & they were cool miniature people. But while trick-or-treating with 40 random strange kids, I didn't wanna be there. Draw your own conclusions). Otherwise, I'd be a school teacher & enjoy my summers off.

Moral of the story: Pregnancy does not change who you are. Now you just have a baby that you love growing in your stomach.

I acknowledge I might just be really immature.

Neighbors Doing the Nasty

I had to quick post before I leave to see Jesus's baby.

So last night, J & I are each reading our respective books in bed when J goes, 'Oh my god.' I lift my head ever so slightly only to hear our neighbors screaming while having sex. (The ones who used in vitro & now have a son who takes Chinese/Japanese lessons). Speechless, tears of laughter streaming down our cheeks. We're way too immature for this stuff. J told me all along the walls are paper thin, but I continuously disregarded him. I don't know what's scarier: the frightening visual accompaniment of the sounds I heard OR not knowing what they've heard coming from our house!? Eeks!

I've heard both many a roommate and many a stranger get laid before. If it's a roommate, you usually laugh about it w them the next day or ask them to shut up. If it's a stranger you do nothing- it's a stranger. This episode felt more like the time I heard sounds (not screams) coming from my dad & step-mother's room. It was 14 yrs ago- I unfortunately remember it like it was yesterday. We're just not casual w these people yet. And now I keep envisioning them naked.

Jesus's Baby

Announcement: Jesus had her baby boy. She sent me a text last night that she was going into labor & then her mom text me today, 'We're having a baby sometime today!' So then around 1:00 this afternoon, her husband called me & very excitedly (cute, right?) told me he weighs about 8 pounds & they're waiting for a room at the hospital- but they weren't sure when a room would open up.

I told him I'd give them a chance to settle in, but I'll be there bright & early tomorrow morning (ahhh, the luxuries of the under-employed). I hope she's not insulted that I don't come tonight. But I kind of assume a lot of family will be there, etc.. & I don't want to impose.

Jesus doesn't read this blog by the way- I actually wouldn't feel comfortable with her knowing I was dreading throwing her a baby shower - although it wasn't personal- nor would I want her to read that entry about the course of our -at times rocky- relationship. Plus, she's generally not a blog-reading or computer-minded individual. But that's besides the point.

I kept saying to J in the car after I got the call, "I can't believe she had the baby." J responded, "What did you think was going to happen? She's been pregnant for 9 months & sent you a message last night that she was going into labor." Valid point. But still...

Oh, and has anyone seen True Life: I'm pregnant with Twins? The one pregnant chick had cravings for CHALK & kept a fresh box of white chalk in her nightstand at the hospital. The doctor said that he has heard of women craving things like this before. Dude... my own personal pumpkin pie? Understandable. Not chalk.

The Vid

My older brother now lives in the house my dad used to live in (my dad moved into a new house 15 min away). This wouldn't be relevant to my life in any way except that I have my "most personal" belongings (or what I considered my most personal belongings 8 years ago) stored in the attic of that house. My older brother wouldn't take the time to go through my crap. Most people wouldn't- it's not *that* interesting. I don't keep diaries or anything detailing my past sexual exploits (except maybe this blog, at times). At this point, the items aren't so much personal as they are embarassing- an old collection of books/papers/emails/notes/letters I found worthy of keeping.

Fake Problem: His new gf is redo-ing (redoing?) the entire house and will likely come across this junk.

Real Problem: Included in said junk is a VHS tape of me in college making out w my friend to Son of a Preacher Man (she's still my friend today- sexually conservative, married, mother of one- I never liked making out w her & always ran away from her when she was drunk. This ONE TIME I agreed to kiss her- only after she promised that if I indeed kissed her this one time, she would never try to kiss me again. Her bf at the time taped it. We were 20. This is my only defense.). If you are my friend, you probably saw this vid. I find it amusing- one never really gets to watch themselves make out. I was wearing a wife beater & denim skirt & my hair was back in a clip- I probably look exactly the same as I do now, in fact. Before my big scene, there's priceless footage of all my friends at this run of the mill college party. I kind of feel like watching it right now.

I forgot this video existed until right before my wedding. I was going through old boxes looking for college pics to include in a slideshow & on picture boards. I came across the tape & shuddered at the realization that I left this upstairs unguarded at my DAD'S HOUSE- who does this? You're supposed to leave old yearbooks & lame gifts your high school friends made you- not the closest thing you will ever have to you starring in a girl on girl sex tape!!! But I was too busy to deal w it at that time- I was getting married in 5 days. I promptly forgot about it until yesterday when my mom mentioned the makeover that my bro & his gf are giving the house. My stomach dropped. I realize I should salvage my reputation and get that video.

But that seems like a lot of work doesn't it?

I think I will just bank on nobody actually owning a VCR these days.

J is Conservative

First few weeks we had her. She still thinks she's this size & tries to sit on my lap (or what's left of it)- which I find adorable.

A neglected puppy in the old apartment. This still happens, except she's triple that size and knocks over my entire computer. This photo was taken in the midst of law school- when my to-do list was filled with real errands.

Becoming a big girl in the new house.

Anyway, Maid of Honor took some awesome pregnant pics of me last week for a school project (where I actually look super pregnant) & it's not just me standing like an a$$hole in front of my bathroom mirror. She made this slideshow interviewing me about being pregnant. I basically discuss things like whether I'm nervous about being both a lawyer & a mother (negativo), whether the pregnancy was planned (indeed), whether I enjoy being pregnant (only the ultrasounds), and how my life has changed (something I complain about every day on this blog).

I haven't shown it to J yet bc it includes a pic of me in a bra & jeans- J is SUPER conservative & would probably be uneasy w the fact that Maid of Honor's professor is going to see that picture (along w whoever else she shows- which may be a fair number of people since it's HER work- it's not about me). Guys always think other men are trying to get a gander at their woman. So primitive!

Last night I asked him if we were in Bali (where there are topless beaches), would he be mad if I went topless? He said, without hesitation, 'I'd divorce you.' (kidding in that he'd divorce me, but not kidding in that he would NOT be cool w it). This cracks me up. I find his conservative nature so sweet (for the record: I usually disregard it, which is probably shedding years off his life in the futile attempt to protect my honor). I am the opposite. I rarely notice the people around me & assume they're as oblivious as I am, so who cares if my shirt isn't buttoned?

After Birth

This morning I *finally* took my glucose test (to ensure I'm gestational diabetes-free). I've procrastinated for 3 weeks, as it requires 8 hrs of fasting and, dude, I'm hungry! Especially when I wake up.

So, sick as h*ll (& very little appetite as a result), I subjected all the other suckers at the blood bank to my illness & went in for my test. I consumed a small-ish bottle of orange-flavored crap in 5 minutes & sat for 1 hr in the waiting room. Then they drew my blood & I left.

I then covertly donned J's huge sweatshirt & rolled into the Dunkin Donuts for coffee (they don't have drive-thru Dunkin Donuts around here!! Total drag). I looked awful. Homeless. But, d*mnit, so worth it.

Oh! But I have started the "Things to do Once Baby Arrives" list-

J promised he'd first take me to dinner at this wonderful wine bar so we could split 1 to 2 (or 4) bottles over dinner- with all the soft cheese I could ever dream of. And I will then publicly and guilt free drink a caffeinated beverage. Baby will be either with my mom or maid of honor (both of whom have been begging to babysit... although I may want maid of honor's drunk a$$ at dinner w me, so I take that back- my mom will baby-sit).

But the drawback to this is that I recently learned what happens to one's body post-birth. 'Member back in the day when I dragged my friend out of the pregnancy closet after she politely refused wine at dinner? Well she had her baby & we briefly visited on Saturday after my shower. I asked her if she's fully recovered from giving birth (baby bks don't go into such details). She informed me that she has hemorrhoids (I don't even know what a hemorrhoid is), stitches (eekkkks!!), terrible swelling & pain & ample bleeding (2 weeks after the fact). Her s*x life is gone (I assume this returns since couples have multiple children & often stay together for quite sometime post-baby) & she's a perpetual milking machine. Totally hot, right? Tears stung mine eyes as I listened to the details. I suppose this means that I won't be getting any non-pregnant a$$ after that delicious wine din-din. I confessed to J my sadness over these details. He pointed out that my tolerance will probably be so low that after a few glasses of wine I will be passed out anyway, so s*x won't be an option. This is a valid point. And, frankly, at this point, so long as I get my wine....

Baby Shower

I haven't had an old school "I'm in bed all day" cold.... until now. So while this won't likely be my wittiest of entries, it will have to suffice.

Yesterday was my baby shower. I feel compelled to detail how blessed I am for the people in my life. I hate going to baby & bridal showers, etc... including my own. But I am consistently amazed at the generosity of others when it comes to getting married & procreating. I feel bad for J- his family isn't close & his parents have maintained these "networking" friendships in lieu of true relationships (his mom is so formal, I'm unsure she knows what a real friendship is). So, when it comes to this type of stuff, the guest list is entirely my family/friends, etc.. which sucks for them. While rumor has it MIL was on her best behavior (so was SIL, unfortnately for the sake of my storytelling), J was annoyed that all she could say in the car ride home was, 'WE never had a baby shower.' ???? This b*tch is close to 70.

Anyway, we got a ton of things I expect we'll need. In times like these, not having a dining room table is ideal- bc it's somehow morphed into an impromptu nursery/recycling center filled with large empty boxes.

Alright, I feel like sh*t. I'm going back to bed.

Oh, but my outfit was classic. I decided to wear a non-maternity shirt. Thankfully, it was black. Bc opening gifts in front of everyone makes me nervous- and my nerves result in sweaty pits. And boobs. But bc it was non-maternity & I have a belly, my white globe of a stomach was consistently poking out the bottom of the shirt. White trash baby shower? Naturally. Can't wait to see the pics from this one.

Emotions

Today I had the generalized blues. I think it's at least partially because I've been battling some sort of cold- not quite the flu, but a little more intense than a stuffy nose.

As a direct result, I sat at the vet crying- while waiting for my beagle's nails to be trimmed.

I experienced tears of joy: An older couple came to pick up their cocka-poo named Lucky from boarding. Lucky was ecstatic about this reunion and, frankly, so was Lucky's dad. While the mom was delighted as well, it was evident Lucky & his dad were tight.

I experienced tears of sorrow: Jada, a pit bull mix, has been having seizures & nobody knows why. Her owners (both mom & dad) brought her in to drop her off for overnight observation. As the owners & vet tech lead Jada towards the back room, Jada kept looking up at her mom with red-rimmed & nervous eyes.

I experienced tears of both sorrow & joy: A old golden retriever mix came in for a hair cut- she recently suffered a bout of cancer & had a large, hairless sore on her body. Her 2 year old brother kept giving her happy hugs and kisses (oblivious to any disease) and she just stood there, loving both the love and the boy.

Emotions suck.

Holiday Planning

So good SIL (w the 2 kids) offered to host either Thanksgiving or Xmas at her place this year. Her town evidently does cute things around the holidays. While I plan on cordially agreeing, I'm disappointed for ridiculous reasons.

This would've been the first year we we wouldn't have to board the dogs (we live in the same town as J's parents). And I'm developing agoraphobia. Lastly, when the drama heats up (evil SIL will be there)- J & I are stuck.

So I'm actually RELYING on evil SIL to veto these plans. Again, I love good SIL, I do. But at heart, I am a heathen. A Non-Joiner. A lover of wine & debauchery. Cursing. Dogs. Inappropriate humor. Relaxing on the beach (had to throw this in). I am not yet a mother of 3 with an interest in keeping my children pure. I'm still at square one-my baby ain't here yet- and I see no need to get ahead of myself.

Standing in the cold watching Santa cruise down Main St among a bunch of random children? NOT ME. Watching a random town tree lighting ceremony w a bunch of random children? Not until I have my own kid & I feel like watching this tree with her will enhance her childhood memories of Xmas. Until then, I don't care about the tree. I want to stay warm inside a house.

But, alas, I will do this happily since I know it means a lot to good SIL to have us partake in her family's festivities. She's always doing super nice things for everyone & gets very little credit in return. Evil SIL makes her more miserable than any of us. And she keeps on trying to establish a relationship with Evil SIL and Evil SIL shoots her down every time. I don't understand why she tries. Perhaps its a sister thing.

On Saturday night there was a mother of 3- she was dressed as slutty superwoman. (Not too slutty, just slutty for a mother. And it was hilarious. I liked her immediately. When we were introduced she goes, 'Ok, I didn't know I'd be meeting new people. I'm, like, really embarassed right now.') So we're all trick-or-treating and she was bored to death. She muttered under her breath after 15 minutes, 'Ok, I'm done.' and asked her kid, 'Do you want to continue trick-or-treating or do you want to go home and eat candy?' Manipulative. Love it. The kid goes, 'Eat candy!' As she sauntered away in her red patent leather, thigh-high boots she called out, 'Later guys! Ha! Have fun! Suckers!' Good SIL is GOOD, though. I mean this- she was more into trick-or-treating than the kids. But there were a few other women of my kind who looked at Superwoman longingly and shook their heads with envy: their kids did not fall for the question. If I lived in that town, Superwoman would be my best friend.

Happy Halloween

So we are headed to see J's OTHER sister (the good one)- she has kids, so we're watching them dress up to trick-or-treat. Oh, and MIL & FIL will be there too. This is my first dry halloween in at least 9 years. Maybe 10.

Member that rule I had? No in-laws til Thanksgiving? I recognize that I'm breaking that rule, but I'm coming to realize that J wasn't as serious about that rule as I was. I decided not to mention it and to go w the flow- particularly since the emotionally unstable sister won't be there.

Speaking of the devil, his emotionally unstable sister (SIL 1 or 2... can't remember) called J last night & asked to speak w me. Our conversation indicated that the holidays are ripe for some drama: She's angry at her older sister for having another child (she thinks her older sister works too much to have 3 kids). She tried to talk smack on her w me, but I declined. I don't care if J's good sister has a million children- other than children screaming around the dining room table during Thanksgiving, they don't affect my life in any way. And once you have one screaming child, go ahead and add 5 more, as the peace & quiet has already been ruined.

So buckle your seatbelts, for tomorrow is November. Month 1 of "the holidays." I anticipate that I will be witnessing some juicy family drama.

The 3rd Trimester

The Great Comparison


By even the most conservative of timelines, I officially entered my third trimester. I'm unsure how large this stomach looks to you, but my back feels like it's its a pretty substantial load. I'm still able to bend over & shave with ease. Maintaining the old bikini line is something I'd like to keep up throughout this adventure. (You're probably thinking: Umm... you're worried about your bikini line?? Why don't you just start with putting on a pair of JEANS. But I am who I am.). Anyway, I'll keep you posted.

A few items I'd like to point out in this picture:

1. My outfit: I'm wearing my uniform. Sweatpants, struggling to survive, and a yellow wifebeater that will never quite be the same. I bet J is so psyched to get to come home every night to this.

2. My arm: While I've generally gained weight all over (which is good since... umm.. I'm pregnant), the backs of my arms are bearing a disproportionate share of the burden. Every gal's dream.

3. My lovehandes: need I say more? See those suckers? Peeping over the sides of my sweatpants? So hot.

4. The general shape of my stomach: It appears pointy in this photo.

Anyway, this is me at 7 months. Other than the outfit, there's really nothing I can do to change the reality of the situation. The power of genetics cannot be underestimated in these times.

Note: Sorry for the funky set up. I'm too lazy to figure out how to make it nice. The first pic is NOW and the 2nd pic is from my 2nd trimester (member it?).