Brain Freeze

Since this weekend, I've been jonesing to vent on here about what's the latest, but now that I am actually sitting here- I got nothing. 

The super latest is that J has been having certain symptoms that lead him (or me, actually) to encourage him to get an MRI to see if he has MS.  I have absolutely no idea what the end result will be or how this will turn out or how this will alter the course of how I assumed my life might go forward.  I actually feel like I've been in a slight holding pattern now for awhile because, while I have zero desire to be anywhere right now but at home with my kids, I know that eventually they will go to school and after that (hopefully) college and I will want to work again.  But I KNOW I don't want to be a la*wyer (much to my mom's dismay).  Member all those blog entries? Yeah, me too.  J's mom worked as a legal secretary at various points throughout her life and, frankly, the only thing worse than being a lawyer, IMO, would be being a legal secretary....although, I guess you don't get after-hours emails and there actually is an "after hours."  I don't know.  I am 31 and still don't know what I want to be for the rest of my life.  And if J has something like MS, I don't want him working at a high stress job, which means he needs to take a pay cut and I will be going back to work.  And if J does NOT have MS, I have more time to decide in what capacity I want to go back to work-  but after this situation, I am acutely aware that "going back to work" is indeed on the horizon, and I want to get that ball rolling.  So there is my vent on that.

Oh and how could I forget- the bridal shower.  My brother's wedding is actually happening at this point and the bridal shower was Sunday.  'Tis an awkward affair when the evil male cheater is closely related to you and the event is hosted by the family of his significant other.... First thing his mom said to my mom was "I texted B yesterday and asked if he was actually planning to go through with this wedding because we are writing the last check this week."  To my step-mom she said, "I hope they just make it to that alter."   I think everybody at this shower hated my brother (or at least his actions) except his 2 grandmothers, who think he is the cat's meow.  I've written before about how he has cost my family a billion dollars on legal bills, buying him cars, supplying him with places to live, paying bills for him and his son, etc... he has been an expensive child with very little return (although nobody regrets a dime spent on my beloved nephew).  My step-mom is really bitter about this financial expenditure - probably more than my mom/dad since this isn't even her biological child- and my brother's fiance asked that in lieu of a wedding gift, they contribute to paying for the wedding, so they agreed to pay some nominal amount.  On the phone last night, my step mom said to me, "I don't know when that check will go out... not tomorrow, that's for sure."  It is clear to me that she is going to make them beg for it which is bullsh*t and also what they made my little brother due for the money they promised him for HIS wedding.  In this case, though, I think she meant because she wants to make sure the wedding actually happens.  They've bought him so many cars where he planned to "pay them back" and then never did or only paid $2K up front and then nothing again and then didn't have the car inspected or pay for insurance for 5 years- so I see where she's coming from.  I'd like to add, though, that as a direct result of these defaulted "loans," they never agreed to lend me a dime.  Which is f*cked up because (a) I was never even given a chance to default before being considered untrustworthy, (b) I don't even know if my brother had much to do with any new car he was given - as I've written before, I think he just doesn't have one, everyone decides he will need one and then makes arrangements, (c) why would you EVER have considered him trustworthy at all?  I never would have.  I digress.  So as a result of years of bullsh*t and then agreeing to pay for a portion of the wedding, my step-mom at the shower gave her a set of used china she had in the basement of their house.  The bride-to-be handled this situation gracefully (I didn't even see it happen), but later asked my mom wtf because she registered for her own china and also because this stuff wasn't her style.  As someone who has a MIL who constantly digs sh*t up from her basement, wraps it and gives it over as a gift, I feel her pain.  But as someone who has lived through a lot of my brother's expensive mistakes, I feel that one day she will understand.  In any event, that takes BALLS and it is sort of a weird thing to do, right?  Totally weird.  I am happy to report that gifts from my step-mom to me are usually pretty awesome- a cool lantern, a set of velvet hangers (which are the shit), cool grill tools that J loves and uses, etc...

I've learned that in uncomfortable social situations, I have no filter and joke about everything and anything.  It is so annoying that I do this and I am trying to end this habit but it's hard because... I don't know.  So at this shower I kept joking about how I hope the wedding actually happens to I get my money's worth out of the flower girl dress.  Totally poor taste, right?  In my defense, I only joked to my aunt sitting next to me, another aunt and cousin and the pathological lying SIL at another table (lying SIL apparently gets similar texts that I do about their crumbling relationship, but she is a liar so who knows?), and my mom's friends from high school.  Afterwards I got the scar*ies because I realized what I had done but then I thought about it... for starters, I didn't tell anyone that B banged a bridesmaid and that's why there was a huge change-up in the wedding part.  Umm... I have no filter, so that totally could've come out of my mouth.  All I said was that the bride-to-be is a nice girl and it saddens me to know that her marriage to my brother will be very very hard.  Also, I didn't tell anyone who had no clue how my brother/dad are.  At one point I did say to my cousin and aunt that my brother is a lot like my dad and I don't know anyone could be married to either of them.  My aunt said that my dad is mean and a huge bullsh*tter and it kills her that he thinks people actually believe what he says.  I told her I thought he meant well, but she said she doesn't think he does.  We talked about how my brother's issues stem from a low self-esteem.  She had all these theories about what my life was like when my parents were getting divorced and shortly thereafter.  While I don't remember a time when my parents were married, her assumptions about what life was like after the fact were wrong.  She thought my older brother subbed in as a parental figure.  HA!!!  If anything, he became a perpetual infant- the infant that he remains today.  I told her that I suspect everyone feels he got a raw deal in some way and maybe that's why he has received and still receives such VIP treatment over the years - treatment that if anything has done him a huge disservice.  But my dad has always treated both of my brother pretty badly, and to this day they strive for his acceptance.  Maybe it's a father-son thing because J totally strives for his dad's acceptance too.  His dad is kind, though, and gives it.  But as his wife, I feel like he could give J more of a glowing review.  If he sat back and thought about what it would mean to him, I feel like he would.  It must be a complicated relationship, this father-son thing.  I know mother-daughter relationships are insanely complex, but I feel like females have an easier time bonding over stuff.  Like my mom is irritating and I hated her as a teenager and I still don't agree with like any of her parenting stuff, but when I saw that episode where Kim Kar*dashian told Kourtney and Khloe she was pregs, I had to call my mom and tell her I remain a huge Kimmy K fan and I think the media needs to let her dress however she wants, yo.  Also, I have young kids who my mom is obsessed with and that obsession is returned to her- how could you not bond over that?   Anyway, so I feel bad that these conversations took place AT my brother's fiance's shower, but also, whatever.  We were just hanging out while she opened gifts and then afterwards.  I saw him afterwards and he was like happy as a clam and I wanted to shake him and say, "OF ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD TO BANG, WHY DID YOU BANG ONE OF HER BRIDESMAIDS????!!!!  YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE!"  But we just small talked, I asked him if he even looked at the registry, he said no, we were on our way.

 I totally wore a brown shirt and wish I wore something my spring-y even though it wasn't a super nice day and I didn't feel like buying anything new.  Is that bad?  I feel like I wish I bought something new and cute to wear, but when I went to the maternity store last Thurs w baby H, I just wasn't feeling anything..... If the weather was warmer, I would've rocked something cute... but I'm kind of over having to dress warmly.  This winter has been balls long.

 Monkey's latest is "checking on" baby H - who is 1.5 years old- and then waking her up simultaneously.  Not awesome considering I have to lug them both to the ob/gyn at 5pm which means I need HAPPY children who are quiet as I stand on the scale and then pee in a cup and then have my belly measured.  Pretty messed up I can't just drop them off at my MIL who lives right next to the ob/gyn office, right?  She's offered lately but I know it's a trick.  I don't trust her.

For J's birthday she kept asking what we have planned, etc... and I just said, 'We will go to dinner sometime,' blah blah.  She gave me very specific times for when they could watch the girls so we could go out but she was so rigid about times in my opinion that I told her no thank you.  Then she asked us to dinner for some Sunday and I was happy that we had plans both Sundays because I am a jerk and going to their house stresses me out.  She made a comment about not wanting his birthday to pass by unnoticed. Unnoticed by who?  Then she asked me to stop by after Monkey's school to pick up some gifts she had for him and she LOADED the back of my trunk w gifts like it was Xmas morning.  Seriously.  She doesn't even get him that many gifts for Xmas- or for any holiday we've had combined.  We drove away.  I said nothing to J that night except "Your mom has gifts for you in the trunk."  He came in with a pile and was like, "WTF???  I'm confused."  I just shrugged.  He opened a bunch of crap and one item was a large wooden t*urtle.  I felt sad knowing that this monstrosity that I hated now had to find a home in my house.  And J said, "When I was little I used to pretend I was a turtle for her."  Umm... keep that sh*t to yourself.  Then he said, 'When she dies, this will mean a lot to me.'  I said, 'She also gave you oven mitts with dogs on them... why single out the turtle.'  Tears sprung to mine eyes as I realized this turtle and I would have a future together.  THEN a miracle occurred.  They stopped over randomly on Saturday when I had a terrible stomach flu- she admitted she bought the turtle 2 years ago and they were cleaning out their house, she wrapped it and gave it to them.

DUDE.  STOP WRAPPING UP SHIT YOU DON'T WANT IN PRETTY PAPER AND GIVING IT AS GIFTS.  I am totally cool with her handing me a box of crap and saying 'chuck this if you don't want it.'  Or something small- like a colander.  I don't know.  But to make J think you bought it for his birthday and thought of him and now he has to keep it?  WTF? 

But I was happy to hear it.  Because that turtle is getting chucked.