Vom

The evening before we left for the wedding in Pgh a few weeks ago, H threw up on me- down my shirt, pooling into my tank top and bra and all over my favorite black cropped sweatpants and American Eagle henley.  Umm..... hello, this is my uniform.  One of my favorite uniforms.  But at the time I was more focused on my vomiting child.  So I changed in the shower, cleaned up myself and baby, rinsed my clothes and put them on our balcony to dry? Wait til later? Not sure.  Next morning, we left for Pgh. 

Two weeks later....

I REMEMBER MY CLOTHES.  I look at them and they are moldy and have been rained on.  I think "I will just wash them."  So yesterday I threw in a load of wash, including my sopping wet uniform.  Then I put it in dryer.  Just 10 minutes ago (that's how I roll, thankyouverymuch), I take it out of dryer and see that it smells musty and moldy and there are black dots in my favorite strapless bra - which is totally a junior dept Target strapless bra that I bought in 2007 but F*CK YOU IT WAS MY FAVORITE.  It is one cup size too small which means it holds everything in just so.  It was coral colored and had hawaiin print on the inside.  I know I am too old for such an odd piece of clothing, but you know how it is.  And those cropped sweatpants?  Old Navy circa 2006- but I am huge into donating everything I own to Good Will, so the fact that those sweatpants haven't been donated says A LOT.  The henley? Just bought it last spring.  I would've had it forever.  Okay, I'm done with this.

In other news, my older brother's really good friend (who I didn't know that well) was in a terrible car accident and even needs a ventilator to breathe.  The driver was this guy (who I also didn't know that well) whose mom was my piano teacher for a hot moment right before I quit piano.  I remember during one lesson, he was screaming at his mom like crazy and she was yelling back and she said to me, 'Just keep playing.'  So I was playing this song, and then I finished the song... so I didn't know what to do.  At this age- I know I should have played it again.  But at 14, I just sat there when I was done, afraid that playing it again would make her mad at me or something.  As someone whose older brother was a nightmare growing up, I wasn't phased by this argument or familial discord. I had it at home all the time.  The older I get the more amazed I am at how effing insane my family was.  It must happen gradually because I don't think anyone (other than me) ever self reflected.  When I learned that this kid was one of my brother's friends, I wasn't surprised.  When I learned that this guy was drunk driving at 2am on a Tuesday night (Wed morning) speeding like crazy and drove into a telephone pole on a STRAIGHT road - NOT even in the rain- I wasn't surprised.  What is sad is he has a wife and 2 kids- so while this asshole is out boozing on a Tuesday, his wife and kids are at home sleeping.  What an excellent husband and father.  I googled him and learned that he has a younger sister (who I vaguely recall) and she is a normal chick - as in not a fuck up. My heart goes out to her, as a sister of a guy who caused so, so much drama.

As someone who has 2 daughters and hopes to have another child one day- and I recognize that child might be a son- I want to know how NOT to raise a kid that is an asshole like that. My brother, while I love him a lot- I really hate to say this- but I put him in that category.  I don't want a son who does a lot of the things he has done.  My mom and I were on the phone discussing this yesterday.  I am pretty honest w her and said to her basically that I think while genetically, some people are less likely to seek approval from generally accepted forms of authority- parents, teachers, bosses, whatever- I feel like the parents MUST have fucked up in some way.  And it must be little things- that are overlooked.  Because people will look at my family and be like, 'M turned out ok (kind of). What's the deal w her brother?'  I know what I remember.  Little things:  If I didn't want to go to piano lessons, tough shit.  If I was legitimately sick and wouldn't be able to go, my mom MADE me call the teacher myself.  She would NEVER make my brother do his own dirty work- she called and cancelled for him, wouldn't make him go, etc... When I didn't have a car after leaving NYC and moving to Pgh?  Nobody gave a shit.  My parents didn't buy me a car.  They let me figure it out on my own.  I had to get a car I hated bc it would be no money down and under $300/mo.  The interest rate was sky high and blah blah.  How did I get insurance?  I called 1800progressive myself and told the lady I had no idea what I needed but I needed car insurance and she was a mom of a girl my age and walked me through it.  My brother?  Has never ever paid his own car insurance or bought his own car.  People keep GIVING him their old cars or buying a car for him to drive that he SAYS he will pay for, but never does.  Do they then take the car back?  No, they just bitch at him for not paying.  But they don't take the car.  He is 33- still drives a car that my mom arranged for him to buy.  She paid for it with "his" money that she kept after she filed his tax returns for him.  Guess who filed MY tax returns? Me.  Who takes care of his insurance? My dad, an insurance agent.  My own dad never was my insurance agent.  How fucked up is that?   Now, my dad talks crap to my brother about "growing up" all the time and tells the world he doesn't pay his own insurance.  But still- he keeps insuring him.   Speaking of cars, in high school, my mom did buy me a car, which is nice.  But she took that car away from me as a punishment every time I looked at her cross-eyed.  She was AWFUL about it.  I was her slave for 3 solid years because she lorded that car over my head.  My brother also had a car.  He got a DUI- she did not take the car.  He would quit a job by not showing up- didn't take the car.  He would get Ds and barely graduate from high school- she did not take the car (or even threaten to).  I had straight A's.  I had a job.  I was never even in trouble, let alone arrested.  I confronted her about this in high school- she said, 'It's because you have that mouth on you.  Your brother is just quiet and doesn't drive me crazy.'  There you have it, kids. The lesson: Do whatever the fuck you want and there will be no consequences, just don't talk back and call your parents out on their shit (which I always did.  Still do.).  Oh, also, my brother got a DUI and who paid for the lawyers and ultimately had it expunged?  My parents.  Brian was "grounded" but allowed to see his gf.  My mom said, 'He was grounded forever.' 

I'm going to let you in on a little secret.  My brother was 17.  I'm pretty sure if you would've not let him see his gf- who he was COMPLETELY in love with- it would've been a greater punishment for him than anything else.  Also, they let him keep his car.  My mom said, 'Well how will he get to work?'  If my son got in trouble like that (DUI laws are way more strict now, I feel like)- no JOB, no car, no gf, among many other "no's."  Because high school jobs are freaking fun.  I waitressed and had a blast.

My point is, my parents made excuses for him.  Even yesterday, I said to my mom "You never let him really suffer for his consequences and hit rock bottom."  She said, 'Oh, HE hit rock bottom.'  I said, "I don't believe he did- while whatever happened to him would've been YOUR rock bottom, it wasn't HIS.'  If he would lose his apartment for not paying?  My parents would arrange his housing for him.  Nobody ever arranged an apt for me except me (which I was fine with).  My step-dad even let my brother lives in his old house that my family had been renting out- this might be the dumbest move in the entire world.  I wouldn't even let my brother use my CD player in high school, let alone drive my car or live in my bedroom.  What do you think he did in that house?  He threw EPIC parties- and trashed it completely and never ever paid rent.  And the hysterical part about this?  MY PARENTS WERE SURPRISED!  But WHY?  Every chance he got he threw parties.  He threw a party in my mom's basement one weekend - during a 2 month separation period between my step dad and mom.  I woke my mom up and told her there were people in our basement and she yelled at me and told me to go back to bed.  I was angry bc his one friend came up to my room and tried to wake me up to party with them.  I ended up calling my dad and he drove over in the middle of the night and broke up the party- he is a little better than my mom.  But my dad isn't *that* much better.  He then let my brother live with him - with certain ground rules which my brother followed for like a month until it wasn't convenient for him anymore- and they went away for a night, came home and my brother and his friends had trashed the house- throw up everywhere, liquor cabinet completely raided.  My brother didn't even bother to try to clean up the mess afterwards.  Was he kicked out?  No.  And, dude, he was like 20.  I would kick his stupid ass out of my house the second I walked in.  But when he would get kicked out, my parents would WORRY- "where is he?  is he okay?"  They would write him letters about how all they wanted was what is best for him, blah blah blah.

And this is the tragic part.  I now have 2 daughters.  I completely understand their pain.  How they were just afraid for him and wanted so badly for him to want to do better- and to get a job and not fucked up his entire life.  They loved him and took his life way more seriously than he did.  It is heartbreaking.  And when the day comes that I let one of my girls even drive away in a car or get into a car with some friend, you know I will be on Xanax.  I am completely obsessed with my children.  But I can't help but feel that you absolutely must maintain some level of reason when parenting.  And my parents did!!  But with me only.  And my little brother actually.  But not at all with my older brother.   They never cut the cord with him and look what has happened.  Even little cord cuttings:  like, 'Call your baseball coach yourself and tell him you can't make it.'  or 'I'm sorry, but you are going to have to take responsibility for your grades.  You are grounded for 2 weeks.  We expect A's and B's.'  Nothing.  Never a consequence.  They couldn't stand to watch him suffer for even one moment.  But he DID suffer- he IS suffering- and so has everyone else, including my parents.

Anyway,  I write this post because my experience with my older brother has made me terrified to have a son.  I see my little brother and J and his friends and my guy friends in high school and college and I realize that there is hope.  And despite ruining my childhood, my older brother is totally awesome.  As a friend/brother, he is great.  And he is even a loyal son- he shows up to every birthday, every holiday.  But what I saw everyone go through my entire life- coddling him, hoping that he will change, the heartbreak realizing that he has not changed, blah blah blah- I could go on and on and on and on and on with anecdotes about his antic- I am terrified to have a son.  This isn't on my mind bc I am pregnant, but because of that accident.  All of my brother's friends are dying this way- they have been to so many funerals.  ODs, suicides, car accidents, etc... It is just so sad. 

Anyway, when one of my daughters becomes pregnant at 16, please remind me about this post!!  Haha