Alone

I FINALLY saw the doctor for all this post-partum anxiety crap I've been experiencing.

The result: A prescription for a very low dosage of xanax. Like, a really low dosage. He said that he doesn't think I'll need it longer than a few more months until I become myself again.

He said that what I have is very common. It's the realization that you need to stay alive, not just for yourself, but for the old offspring too. While this is true, I also have selfish motives- I want to see her grow up. I tell J regularly that if something happens to me, I do not want him to remarry. Unless its Mother Theresa and they don't have s*x. Or "smush," as my friends on Jersey Shore call it (P.S. Can you believe Sammi wanted to smush Ronnie after he was doing all that creeping? Damn.) I told him I will haunt him. While I do want him to be happy, I don't want him banging other chicks. What can I say? :) I am a dream wife.

He, on the contrary told me that he would want me to remarry. He wants me to "be happy." I told him that just made me feel unloved.

I also got my flu shot.

Dr. Feel Good told me to take a "test" xanax to see if I was one of the un-lucky few who got sleepy from it.

Back in college, I had a depressing night. I cabbed it home from a party early, slightly buzzed, got myself a bagel from the bodega across the street, put on SATC, popped a xanax, and had a glass of wine. I've probably recounted this story before because, frankly, it was one of the most peaceful evenings of my life. That xanax was a hell of a lot stronger than the one I took today. And that is GOOD, as the last thing I need is to raise my baby all f*cked up on pills. Or a drug addiction. Isn't an addiction to my baby and 2 doggies enough for one woman?

The pill I took today didn't make me sleepy or even remotely relaxed. I just felt normal. This was probably because I wasn't anxious to start. Let's just hope that the next time I feel like a crazy woman, it helps.

I'm home alone tonight and the people who live connected to us are gone for the night. I AM ALL ALONE IN THIS BRICK STRUCTURE. I'm freaked out! I saw this show called Celebrity Ghost Stories or something the other night- where celebs tell supposedly true ghost stories from their pasts (duh)- and I've been a total spaz ever since. I'm tempted to watch it now so I get all freaked out and then when J gets home I can accuse him of abandoning me to the batch of ghosts that certainly lives in this creepy room in our basement. This is exactly why I like living in a twin. Their dog is home, though. I wish their enormous dog was with me right now. I keep hinting for them to let me babysit their dog, but they either aren't interested in my dog-sitting services or aren't picking up the hint.

Luckily I rented Toy Story 2 (because I am secretly 8), which is not scary. I wish King of Queens was on right now. That is my favorite show on television.

Alright, I'm signing off. Off to brave this old dark house by myself. Wish me luck.