Heart Palps

I haven't had heart palpitaitons since mid-summer.

At the time, I thought it was the birth control. But, looking back, I think it was stress over the work/baby thing. I do not want to relive that transition. In about a month, I will have been working for a year.

I feel like I was a true victim to my anxiety. I didn't research how to get rid of it or how to control it. I didn't get meds until September (when I really only needed them for long car rides anyway). I didn't jump into an exercise routine (mainly bc I wanted to spend every spare moment with Monkey- which hasn't changed). I didn't take special care of myself by taking vitamins or pedicures. I was just a ball of guilt and obligation and sadness and resentment.

I don't know if I just went back too early. Or if I felt the weight of my student loans on my shoulders. Or if I felt this super strong biological urge to be a stay-at-home mother. I have no clue. But I am lucky to have this job- even if I am laid off tomorrow- as it allowed me to pay off a bunch of student loans and allowed us to actually have a savings. For a vast majority of this job, though, I've not been grateful. I've been cynical. I feel like I should just be more accepting.

I've only taken mushrooms 2x. I was always terrified of hallucinogenics (sp?) but someone convinced me they were "natural," all my friends (who had done them before) were doing it and who was I to turn down an opportunity to get f*cked up at the age of 20?

So I took the mushrooms and consequently had one of the best evenings of my life.

I laid on a floor in a friend's bedroom listening to Van Morrison and stared at a tapestry. For 7 hours. Mostly alone and at times with one of my best friends. We were silent. But inside my brain it was not silent.

I had many a drug-induced realizations.

The one that I have carried with me is how much I resist. While I accept differences in others (different races, sexual preferences, etc...), I resist accepting that I cannot change- and a vast majority of the time- cannot even influence- my environment. Every action I took was attempting to CONTROL something. Is this person reading me correctly? Are they hearing me in exactly the way I want them to? Are they seeing me in the right light? Am I making them happy? I felt responsible for the way everyone was feeling. I felt responsible for every action and event that occurred to me in my entire life. And with every fiber of my being, I would try to control every action and event in which I found myself. I truly believed that I was the driver.

But really, 95% of the time, I realized, I am just a passenger. This world ain't my bus. These attempts at control were futile the whole time. They weren't working. They never worked.

After about an hour of wrestling with this idea in my head, I let go and never felt more free in my entire life.

For months, I didn't smoke a cigarette. I didn't enjoy drinking as much as I enjoyed just being sober around my friends.

Now, as I voiced before on this blog, while I always TRIED to be a people pleaser, I always just ended up pissing them off more. And while your friends and family will get over the fact that you disappoint them (they always do), I was the one who was truly on the losing end of the bargain. The energy that one devotes to attempting to please others is criminal.

Anyway, I've been able to maintain this drug-induced realization for periods of time but, like everything, I fall back into old habits and behaviors, start to believe I can control things, etc...

With age, I get better in terms of relationships with others (friends, family, J, etc..) But as the dynamic of my life changes, this urge sneaks up in other ways- a la my job, mothering, MIL, etc...

I need to accept. Let it go. Stop fighting it.

What I really need is a return trip to Amsterdam. The true city of brotherly love.