Christmastime

So I can't recall what I've told you thus far about our Xmas plans and who knows how much time the baby will allow me to blog, so I'll just spew it all out and see what sticks... which will be everything because, as you might have noticed, there isn't much proofreading and editing on this site.

Xmas plans: We are again going to Good SIL's.  The rest of the in-law clan are also heading to NYC to spend T-giving there which, thankfully- heh, we have gotten out of.  J wrote Good SIL an email that was like, 'You all can go to the country club for Xmas eve dinner, but we're just going to hang at home since the baby will only be 4 months, blah blah blah.'  And she's like, 'No!  No problem- we'll all stay at home.'  I truly hope we didn't ruin their tradition.  In any event, I'm still dreading the 2.5 hour Xmas eve drive on I-95 to NYC.  What Good SIL also said to J on the phone was, 'Why don't we just do presents for kids this year and nix the adult presents?' 

Backstory:  I think I've mentioned this before, but to remind you- my in-laws spend OBSCENE amounts of money on gifts for each other.  They are decidedly more wealthy than my family and can certainly afford it... J and I are considered the "poor" wing of this family - while in my family, we are considered the "rich" ones- just to give you an idea of how freaking relative wealth is, in case you didn't already know.  So for my fam, we'd get each nephew a gift for like $25/ea and then my parents/grandparents totaling about $175 (step-parents add more people).  So like $225 total?  For his fam, we'd do $25 for 3 kids, and spend on average between $100 and $125 per person on everyone, including MIL, FIL, Good SIL, BIL, and Evil SIL.  This is between $575 and $700 each year.  DUDE.  But I never said anything because I didn't want to kill Xmas.  But when J brought up the fact that Good SIL said "let's nix adult presents" I almost crapped myself with delight- I mean, I won't be receiving a paycheck at that time and that covers part-time daycare for the month (remember, we are keeping Monk in part-time so her transition back upon my return to work isn't as traumatic for her as it will be for me).   I told J I thought this was a wonderful idea that he should immediately float it to the rest of the fam (under the guise of "Good SIL suggested that... ").  And, more than money, the freaking stress of deciding what people want.  Nobody in that family will tell you what they want and they don't like to give gift cards because "not enough thought goes into it."  I'm telling you- it is a family filled with oversensitive females.  If my 2 daughters become this sensitive, they are grounded.  I don't have time for this sh*t.  I wish I could throw a hundred dollar bill at everyone and call it a day.  The best part is- we will agree on gifts for everyone- approximately $100 each and then last minute J starts panicking that he hasn't gotten everyone "enough" so he starts buying more random sh*t.

The thing about these gifts.  I usually get bank.  I have gotten awesome stuff- like really nice make-up bags and a gift card (Ahem... J, I categorize this as "awesome") to a spa.  But I have also gotten items that I never ended up using- a Coach bag that just wasn't my style, a few shirts that I returned for store credit because they weren't my style, etc.  I appreciate the sentiment but I'd rather we all just keep our own dollars or stick a $25 limit on it and get stuff that you don't feel guilty NOT using.  Like, I feel like you can't go wrong with bath gel.  I know it's a generic gift, but I absolutely rely on receiving this each Xmas.  I also feel like gift cards are the bomb.  Or like, a little picture frame.  Or even an inexpensive t-shirt they thought you'd like.  The odds of someone picking out a t-shirt you like are way higher than the odds of someone picking out a $300 sweater you will like. They always buy me shirts with really high necklines.  Do you think they're telling me to put my pathetic and now sagging looking cleavage away?

Anyway, sorry for the rant.  So I pressured J to "hurry up and email Evil SIL" because she spends more on gifts than anyone- and I knew she probably already started shopping.  J was like, 'She might be upset.' And I responded, 'Dude. It's even harder to get by financially when you are single.  Before I was married, I was literally overdrafting my bank account to buy my mom a gift.  She will be happy.'  Turns out, Evil SIL and I are nothing alike...

Sunday morning: J emailed her, pointing out it was NOT his idea and, instead, was their sister's idea. 

The response was evil, angry and scary.  It was something like, 'It freaking sucks.  It won't even feel like Xmas.  Everyone else has their own families and I am left behind.  I cried myself to sleep last night realizing that I will never have a family of my own.  Nobody loves me. I am a worthless piece of sh*t.'

J read it and got really upset.  The entire family spends about 90% of their waking hours pitying and worrying about Evil SIL.  This email didn't really help matters.  Needless to say, we are buying everybody Xmas gifts this year.  J responded by like spinning this intricate and false backstory about how nobody meant it the way she is taking it, blah blah blah.  Which isn't entirely untrue- it's just that it gets really $$$$ and, do you really like what you get anyway?? It's not like we're buying our own children $600 worth of Xmas gifts and therefore cannot afford it.  The kids have nothing to do with it.

I admit I felt freaking terrible too.  But, dude, I have single friends.  Granted, they are 6 years younger than Evil SIL, but they are dating.  And at the VERY least they are making out with strangers in bars - I hope.  She doesn't even make out.  She doesn't even TRY to make out. Or date.  I just feel like you can't make the "I am single and alone so pity me" argument if you are locking yourself in your apartment and not even, at the very least, trying to cyber-bang or whatever.  No attempt to date anyone whatsoever.  It would be different if, like, her husband just died.  Or she tried to date regularly but no guy would even look at her, let alone go on a date with her.  THEN you can say, 'Guys.  I am alone.  I am sad.  I am lonely.  I am really pitying myself right now.'  I would pity her more even if her boyfriend just broke up with her.  But... to not even try?  That's like the people on welfare not even LOOKING for a job.  Nobody wants them to be on welfare- those are the people that are ruining the system for everybody else! 

So we are back to the drawing board.  In fact, we are even back FURTHER than we were before.  I want her to find a man (or woman) so badly.  This girl doesn't even have FRIENDS.  Nobody to call and b*tch about her life to.  Nobody to call and say, "I am officially stalking you.  Call me back, biotch."  I actually did this to my maid of honor, N, last week.  She didn't return my call so I called her like 4 times in one day shamelessly until she sent me a text explaining where she was and why she wasn't calling me back.  Aren't I a dream friend? 

I don't know.  A few weeks ago I decided I had melanoma again.  Right where my underwire hits my boob a small group of freckles appeared that looked to me like a cut that never healed.  It arrived when I was preg w Monkey because I didn't want to prematurely get a bigger bra (newsflash: when your side-boob starts bleeding, it is time for a bigger bra).  So post- H*llary pregnancy, I diagnosed myself with malignant me*lanoma.  I had it biopsied 2 wks ago and this week I'm hearing back.  The doctor was like, 'Don't lose sleep over it.  I don't think it's melanoma.'  But we all know how mentally stable I am after having a baby... so I'm pretty certain I will be dying this year. 

Which is why J's timing to bust out our will sucks.  This morning I had to name my beneficiaries.  It was terrible.  He, of course, named Evil SIL.  OF COURSE (after Monkey and H, that is).  She could be a multi-multi millionaire, be immune from every disease ever and have every wish come true and would yell to the far corners of the earth, 'WAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! PITY ME!!!!'  And her whole family would gather around with worried eyes, pitying her with all of their being.

I pretty much decided to leave everything- all of my millions and millions of dollars, that is- to my nephew (that is, if something should happen to Monk and H).  Which is kind of f*cked up because I have 2 blood nephews.  So I should have broken it down evenly at the very least, so as not to play favorites.  But the truth is that while I love my little brother's son who is 2 years old, I am madly in love with my older brother's son who is 11.  And I think the older nephew got a raw deal in life and I worry about him more.  The other messed up thing about the will is that it's like a "form" - it had only 3 slots for beneficiaries.  wtf?  What if I want to leave more things to more people?  So what I've decided is that if my cancer results come back positive, I will write a paper will that is more detailed.  I am way too lazy and mentally unstable to do this if my results come back negative, even though I am terrified of driving and fairly certain that if cancer doesn't kill me this year, a car accident will. If you want something of mine, like the Country Christmas CD I just bought at Target for $9.99 yesterday, please don't hesitate to let me know.  Keep in mind there is a beagle and a golden up for grabs as well.  I know everybody will be fighting over Lou.  She cleans up after herself- eats her own sh*t and everything!  How's that for efficiency?