So on Friday evening we were invited up to NYC to celebrate my BIL's 4-0th bday on a rooftop bar. We dropped the girls off with my mom and were on our way. We planned to eat dinner in the city but were caught in 2 hours of traffic outside one of the tunnels, so we made it to the party just in time- sans dinner. Please note that we planned to drive home to my mom's that night and I was the designated driver. If you've ever drank with me in your entire life, you will know that I am the worst kind of DD- I feel so much pressure not to drink that I immediately start doing shots. I can't explain it any further than that, but I can tell you that it happens without fail every time.
We arrive and I order a huge glass of wine and start chowing down on delicious mini hot dogs.
Now we all know Good SIL and BIL are rich as hell and have really prestigious jobs? And BIL has always been an excellent addition to the in-law clan because he just says whatever comes to his mind and it's usually rude but really funny. And it's not rude in a catty, girl way- ahem, rest of in-laws. So I've met BIL's sister and mother before. His dad passed away a few years ago. Friday I had the pleasure of meeting his sis from Georgia. She was like this beautiful rough-around-the-edges princess. Her hair was coiffed and bleached blonde, she had spent countless hours in the tanning bed, she had a face filled with crazy make up and her toenails and fingernails were painted with some sort of crazy dark marble design. She reminded me of the perfect combination of diner waitress and beauty queen. I was instantly in love. We immediately started talking, but I realized something was amiss. She was completely hammered- to the point that I had to teach her how to use her own iphone and help her respond to a text. This was the very beginning of the party- BIL hadn't even arrived yet. It made me love her even more. Long story short- she ended up puking in the woman's bathroom and BIL's brother stood outside and took care of her. Then she spent the rest of the time demurely sitting in the corner wearing her mother's sweater trying not to puke. Good for her for sticking out the party.
Evil SIL- She was there and surprisingly less evil. This is because her and Good SIL were at each other's throats. Okay so DMB- Crash comes on and she says to J and me- "I lost my virginity to this song." and she starts telling us the story. Poor J, right? Anyway, it was to her high school bf who is now married w multiple kids. She confesses to thinking about him obsessively and stalking him online and she soon starts to cry saying crazy stuff like, 'He can't love his wife like he loves me.' J was like, 'You have to move on.' Etc... I just interjected with 'Aww... that's so sad.' or 'That's so sweet.' I'm not there to better her life- I'm just the in-law. Anyway, so Good SIL has this friend from business school who was like the nicest person ever. And she didn't get engaged until she was like 39 so Evil SIL feels like the 2 of them are kindred spirits. Evil SIL saunters over to her to tell her how she is in love w her high school bf and this girl apparently was like 'Dude. You need to move on.' And then walked away. Evil SIL then came over to me and told me what happened and instead of thinking 'maybe I do need to move on' she thought 'I hate the girl that told me to move on.'
This is where the story gets choppy.
So J is a big vomit-er. He pukes and rallies on a semi-regular basis and there is no warning when he will puke. Like most of us suffer with 10 minutes of the spins? Not J. He just vomits. It's gross. So he starts vomiting outside the bar while we're waiting for cars to take us back to Good SIL and BIL's house (once I started drinking they were like- you're staying- and I met BIL's crazy sister and got stuck trying to converse with a bunch of really rich a$$holes, I realized alcohol was mandatory for this evening). It's all booze bc he really hasn't eaten anything since lunch. So J starts vomiting and Evil SIL starts taking care of him. We get in a car and J vomits out the side- J, Evil SIL and myself. Good SIL, BIL and J's parents are in another car and Good SIL is texting me asking how things are going, etc... And I'm responding, 'He is not throwing up and he is alive. Things are good.' Evil SIL starts looking for a hip hop station and can only find Spanish ones and asks our hispanic driver if we are in America or Mexico. Nice. He kindly ignores her racism and drives us safely to our destination. So we get to Good SIL and BIL's house and J climbs out of the car and like runs into the woods. I run to the door because I am cold and want a blanket and also, I'm starving. I want to raid their fridge before the other car gets here. The door is open and I walk in, grab a blanket and open the fridge, like the loving and concerned wife I am. Evil SIL runs to J's side somewhere in the depths of the forest. Good SIL gets home and says, 'What's Evil SIL's deal with being all mothering to J?' I respond, 'I don't know' - secretly I am happy that I am not outside in the cold and am thankful for Evil SIL's concern. Evil SIL walks in at that moment to get J a glass of water and Good SIL says, 'What's your deal?' And Evil SIL turns around and yells 'F*CK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!' And there is some yelling and basically Good SIL is a total b*tch to Evil SIL and making fun of her behind her back, revealing that she is probably less "Good" than her nickname implies. To be honest, I don't know why Good SIL cared. It was Evil SIL who was stuck babysitting- not us!
Anyway, you know MIL walked in the door and was like, 'You 2 need to eat more.' I said to her, 'I'm not the one throwing up. I ate a ton of hot dogs at the party.' Can you believe I'm receiving drinking advice from the woman who starts slurring her speech on her first glass of wine. Or, rather, her "first" glass of wine? J threw up all over Good SIL's carpet upstairs and then insisted on sleeping like 1 inch from the gross throw up spot. Eh, it was all water at that point anyway.
Anyway, I'm wondering if I missed anything about the night worthy of note. Oh, did I tell you MIL got wasted and started vomiting at Good SIL's rehearsal dinner 9 years ago? So the next day when J was like, 'Ugh.. ' I reminded him that at least it wasn't at Monkey's wedding and only some birthday party. He appreciated my point.
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