So my SIL is still preg. She called me while I was at grocery store purchasing bags of rice for an indoor rice sandbox thing to save my sanity while it was too hot for frolicking outside and told me that- long story short- she was preg w twins and lost a twin? I haven't thought about twins (beyond the occasional: OMG I'm so happy I do not have twins and, prior to having a child- 'it would be fun to have twins!' HA!!!) anyway, so this is what's up. Coming from my pathological lying SIL... this is either true (and unfortunate that only 10% of people believe she miscarried anything) or false (like her breast cancer, history of drugs and stripping and prostitution, upper mgmt position at nursing homes and department stores, and also her RN certification. Oh, and every one of my brother's friends being unable to resist her beauty. She loves the word "certified." The only thing I've been certified for was CPR and to practice law in my state.). My mom called me and was the happiest most trusting person alive. I decided the truth didn't matter- I mean, if she's lying it's kind of annoying that she made me feel sad, but I guess it was an interesting turn of events? Anyway, my other brother's fiance and I were at the same baby shower last night. We hadn't seen each other since the grand announcement and she looked at me and said, 'Let's not even talk about it.' I said, 'Do you believe it?' And she said, 'HELL NO. Don't even tell me if you do because you shouldn't.' Sigh. I guess once you have a history of telling extreme lies, it's tough to shake it if crazy unlikely things happen to you. Anyway, I'm happy my brother is having a child. I dreamed last night they were having a boy. This probably means it is a girl.
So I told MIL and she goes, 'So were they fraternal twins?' I said, 'I don't really know much about twins or this vanishing twin fiasco, so I don't know.' And she repeated the question. Twilight zone.
I maintain the hardest part of my pregnancies was maintaining sobriety with my in-laws. Although I really like my older brother's fiance and she has a lot of normal friendships and is definitely someone I would be friends w despite her relationship w my brother. I hope he doesn't ruin it.
I went to my neighbor's 40th bday party. Her husband is super pretentious and arranged for this crazy wine and food tasting thing. I still love her and find her beautiful. I hope I didn't accidentally offend too many of her family members. Her BFF cousin has a daughter named Adelaide. I keep saying to J, 'isn't that a pretty name?' and he's like, 'no, it's too common. i don't like it.' He said he hated it in front of her cousin. Usually I'm the one doing things like this so..... There is more to this story but I'm losing steam.
We went to 2 baby showers yesterday and it was a long day. I love talking baby names. And I found myself wanting another baby. Then I started to get mad at myself because- no joke- you have enough babies right now. I have no hands left. There is no reason to rush it. It must be hormonal or something. I told a girl I wouldn't mind being pregnant, but I wouldn't actually want the baby to come out and live with me. Isn't that f*cked up? So I asked Jim about a girls name and he said, 'I don't know if we should have more kids.' And then he immediately assumed I was mad. And I wasn't mad at all. I was just trying to find how I really felt and why I felt any urge at all to have more kids when we are pretty overwhelmed as it is. I realized that the only reason I feel like "now or never" (and there is no NOW, btw. no baby on the way for quite awhile, if ever) is bc I fear if we wait too long I will be stuck being a l*awyer forever. I feel like I can go back to school when our youngest is like 3 or something. I don't know. I just am afraid J is going to somehow pressure me into being a lawyer and it makes me want to punch him in the face. He hasn't pressured me to do anything, btw, it's just that I feel so passionate about NOT wanting to be a l*awyer that I straight up want to have all babies now so they can hurry up and grow and I won't be too old to embark upon a new career. That is messed up.. the LAST thing I want is for Monk and H to "hurry up and grow." I need to stop panicking about this job thing and just enjoy the fact that I can stay home with my nuggets. I guess it's hard going from "I am working toward this lofty goal" to "I am enjoying the moment." I am officially stowing away any ridiculous thoughts of wanting another baby or thinking 'oh, it would be fun!' because it would be too much right now and not even for the right reasons. Please note if J saw this he'd be like, 'We weren't even planning one for a long time from now, if at all.' But the truth is that I see a cute preg belly and think, 'Yay! I want to play too!' But this makes me want to punch myself in the face. I def think I have too many hormones as evidenced by my postpartum anxiety, acne, PMS, family history and desire to have a million kids. I remember this episode of This American Life called Testosterone- I reference it all the time in my head, so I prob have on here too. They took all the Testosterone from this man's body for some medical reason and he said he felt zero emotion and saw beauty in everything- including like, a nail in a piece of wood. I need someone to do this to me so I can start living in the moment and not panicking about what career I will retire in. It's difficult to switch gears but clearly I'm going to have to be intentional about it.
Okay, I'm through ranting about careers and baby fever. Because right now, I don't have either. Ha!
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