22 weeks and 4 days.  I definitely don't think I was this big the first time around but as I never really documented it, I'll never know.  I'm trying to be more deliberate about documenting things this time.  But... as time goes on, I know why I wasn't last time!  The sight of that belly gives me the willies.  Although I feel kicks all the time now.  I forgot how reassuring those suckers are.

So today I'm having another bout of feeling bad for myself.  And I named this blog Positive Maiden so that I wouldn't use it only as a place to vent, although that's pretty much what happens!  Some people feel better after venting, but I usually get more heated.  So I'm not going to indulge myself with my useless feelings of negativity.  I have 4 minutes here before I absolutely must get to work this evening.  Nothing feels better, by the way, than, like 11 or so when I finish working and know its bed time and that, at least for the moment, I'm not doing anymore work.  And if I've had a really rough day, J doesn't complain when I want to watch Roseanne or Golden Girls marathons on TVLand.  He secretly wanted to watch a documentary on the making of Ani*mal House, but I felt like that would involve too much brain power for me.  I just wanted to laugh. 

I don't recall if I've relayed this story on here before but one time my 2 friends and I visited our gay friend M at his small liberal arts college.  He wasn't "out" yet, but we pretty much knew he was gay.  So I went on his computer and opened up a file.  A pic of a na*ked man popped up.  At that moment, our gay friend walked in and I screamed and ran away and he yelled at me (he wasn't like really mad, just a little mad that I violated his privacy- understandably so).  His college was in the middle of nowhere.  When I look back on this drunken night in my memory, I remember pastures, although I definitely could be making this up.  All his classmates were rich, if I remember correctly, and I think his school was like 95% greek.  Very different from any school I've attended.  That night we all smoked a ton of we*ed and drove to a chinese buffet and stuffed our faces.  On some visit- not sure if it was this one- I recall either going to a frat party or stopping by at one.

Anyway, my time is up.  This friend has since coupled up with a dude who has 2 teenage sons and he carpools them to their friends houses and is like a cool dad-type.  Sometimes when I'm tidying up and trying to be a more organized person, I try and channel him.  When I would tell him this, he would tell me that his tidy nature was all a result of his anal-retentive nature which stemmed from extreme self-consciousness which stemmed from being closeted for his entire life.  He used to write down in a notebook the outfit he wore to school every single day- not out of vanity, but out of his obsessive need to make sure he wasn't re-wearing the same outfit too close together in time. This translated nicely into adulthood- he always had perfect credit, a tidy room, a packed lunch for work and probably organized dresser drawers.  The only thing I got out of the insecurities I experienced growing up are a bunch of bad memories.