Self-Pity

J & I are both working the entire weekend.  To the extent that my mom is coming up tomorrow to baby-sit.

I know it's just Memorial Day & Monkey is too small to know that we're missing family picnics and spending an extra day to do fun stuff with her, but it's really heartbreaking.  For me.  Since I pretty much live for the spare moments I get to spend with her.  And I've worked well over 200 hours this month.  This week alone I will have billed almost 80 hours. 

The upside is that next time I have a drought in work load (will I ever again? YES of course.  I must remind myself of this.  It's all cyclical), I won't have to feel guilty and I will be able to simply take off a day of work.  Especially since it's getting closer to my maternity leave.

I just have these moments where I'm like, "I don't want to be the type of mother whose face is buried in her laptop and is ignoring her baby." 

But I forget that Monkey doesn't know that after I tuck her into bed, I work for another 6 hours.  During her waking hours, I'm all hers.  Except for some of tomorrow when my mom comes.  I don't feel guilty at all when she spends time with my mom since both of my grandmothers always have been so important to me.  So I'm happy that her 3 day weekend will have quality grandma time.  And this morning we went to the park 2x and she had fun in the swings.  And J made her delicious macaroni and cheese for dinner.  And I played some serious hide n seek with her.   And she was picked up super early from daycare 3 times this week- once to have daddy time, once to chill with her cool mom, and lastly to hang with the in-laws for the entire day. 

So her life doesn't suck.  Mine does sometimes.  But I'm not doing this for me.  And I'm sure as f*ck not doing it forever. 

Just.  Gotta.  Make.  It to maternity leave.

I hope I can.  I need to focus on the bigger picture.

Today I was a mega f*cking b*tch to some pretty senior people.  It may come back to bite me.  I also haven't been working as hard as I should be and as hard as other people are.  But I am pregs so I need sleep and I'm a mom and I'm going to hang with my offspring.  If I'm fired for either of those reasons, I can live with it and I really don't care.

I have to give J a shout out (on a blog he forgot exists)- he is so freaking supportive.  Sometimes when you're in a bad situation, I feel like you just need someone to say to you: QUIT.  You don't need this.  We don't need this.  And J always reminds me that my happiness is his very first concern: he doesn't want me to feel trapped in any job or situation.  If I want to stay at home for a few years with Monk & the new baby, that is fine by him.  If I want to go back to school to study something else, he is on board.  But he always reminds me that he cannot be happy unless I am happy, so I am free to do whatever will make me happy.  Whenever I'm in the middle of working really hard (no matter that he has been working way harder for way longer), he always comes over and gives me a kiss on the forehead and tells me how proud he is of me for working so hard.  I may not be lucky in some areas, but I am certainly lucky with him.