Nighttime

Since J and I became an item, many routines in my life changed.  One aspect is my relationship to the nighttime, and this is something I miss and am reminded of at odd times like last night during an 8:00pm trip to the convenience store to pick up baby supplies.  Driving through our urban-esque suburbs (but I pretend they're legit suburbs), I could hear crickets and I saw a young couple finishing up a run and walking while holding hands.  I saw an older man riding his bike and I saw some people walking home from either happy hour or dinner or somewhere social that required non-lounge clothes.  It was the first night I had been out and felt like maybe it was cold enough to wear more than shorts and a tank top and flip flops.

J and I were/are definitely night owls, but when we'd actually go outside we'd either be drunk (ahh, young love.. actually... we still enjoy vino.. but these days we enjoy it on the couch watching a movie).  And I feel like being drunk detracts from my ability to appreciate the peacefulness of the evening.

As I've detailed on this blog before, my friend Jesus and I were the queens of sober entertainment.  Going for late night runs every night in high school, or to the gym, or studying at diners, or going to the movies.  She was my straight-edge boyfriend.  So nighttime always reminds me of her.  And then I miss her.  But it's not like I miss her, but I miss who we used to be together (even though I absolutely love my life at this point in time- this is a disclaimer, btw).  So, I guess I feel nostalgic.  And it makes me really sad to think that we can never go back to that place, even though "that place" certainly comes with its own baggage- namely, the fact that we were in high school and living at home and I generally enjoyed college sh*tloads more than I enjoyed high school, even though I didn't hate high school by any means.. I just love my independence.

In junior high, Jesus and I would sneak out of whoever's house we were sleeping at and go to the park (often accompanied by other friends who were also bridesmaids of mine) or walk along railroad tracks (which makes us sound like hoodlums even though... we weren't cool enough to be hoodlums or hardcore enough to start any real trouble).  But most of the time, we'd just go for runs like the true nerds that I've decided we must have been. 

Anyway, Jim discourages night time runs because he feels they're dangerous (and in the places we've lived, they are!) and with 2 babies, there isn't much nighttime revelry considering Monk is in bed by 7:30.  I know that in the future this will change, but that also means that my babies will be grown.  Last night I was giving H*llary a bottle and I felt really sad thinking of how Monkey doesn't need me to give her bottles and how I would give almost anything to turn back the clock just 1 year to a time when she would let me give her a bottle - just for a minute.  I'm glad I took every opportunity to feed her every bottle that she would allow me to give to her (until she finally fought me off and grabbed her own bottle!).  I plan on doing the same with the new baby.  I plan on smothering both my children so that they grow up and either want to shoot me or turn to drugs as a way to rebel from their overbearing mother.  And then I will print out this blog entry and say, "See? It was only because I loved you so much."