Uninspired

I'm not sure if it's the fact that the most hours (?? this doesn't sound correct, but whatever) I've slept in a row in 4 weeks is 3.5 OR if it's the fact that my labor came suddenly and I left my laptop at work and still haven't gone to get it because that means I'd have to go in with the baby (the staff would freak out if I came without the baby) and then spend a great deal of time socializing and chatting about baby stuff and labor, etc.. so I haven't been having my drink of the night while sitting on my lap top a la evenings of yore.  I generally have been blobbing, if you will, after J leaves for work.  For the record, my drinks of the night have been pumpkin ales.  Fall beer never disappoints.

Anyway, as I am a stay-at-home-mom ("SAHM") for about 5 months or so, I've been sort of trying on the role as if it were for keeps:  as I've never been a SAHM- and I'm sort of cheating as Monkey is in daycare part-time, which we would not be able to afford if I were truly a SAHM.  She'd probably be in nursery school or something on some mornings and I'd pick her up at 11 or whatever.  I don't know how nursery school works, but I assume it's in a church?  Mine was.

Back to my point: I've been trying to keep up with the house work, grocery shopping, exercising (lightly- against my doctor's wishes, but I have been avoiding ab exercises and intense cardio so I feel justified), taking care of a newborn and dealing with our mail- which is a full time job in and of itself.  Some things I've learned these past 4 weeks:

1. With children and a newborn and a husband who for some reason refuses to place his empty cans/bottles/anything that is recyclable INTO the recycling bin as opposed to just leaving it on the counter (which I find very mysterious.... I mean... as he SETS the empty water bottle on the island in our kitchen instead of walking 3 steps over to our recycling bin and tossing it carelessly in, what goes through his mind?  Next time he brings up how terrible I am at loading the dishwasher, I have to remember to bring this up.  Although he won't bring up my dishwasher-loading habits because the last time he did about 5 months ago I turned to him and said, 'Listen to me.  For the rest of our lives, I don't want you to ever mention to me how I load the dishwasher again.  Because it doesn't.  f*cking.  matter.'  Wife of the year over here, right?  All that hoo-ha about taking your husband's feelings and concerns seriously? FAIL!  Haha,  no really.  I did say that because he already has me practically wash the dish before I even load it - he doesn't just rinse, he like scrubs the dishes before they go in- so the fact that I am even loading what is pretty much a clean dish into the dishwasher is, in my mind, ridiculous. If he wants me to load it by color or some other crazy calculated method, I'm going to start slipping OCD meds into his morning coffee.  I'm a lot of things- OCD ain't one of them.  This is why I overlook his refusal to chuck his recyclables into the recycling bin.  It would be a double standard, I guess.  Actually, it wouldn't, but he's been really good about not mentioning the dishwasher, and I know he probably hates me a little more each time he looks into the dishwasher and sees that I've loaded it improperly.).  Back to my bullet point- CLEAN HOUSE- as in not cluttered?  IMPOSSIBLE!  If I fret over every room looking perfect, I'm going to have a long and miserable life ahead of me filled with feelings of failure and disarray.  At least until my children are able to clean up after themselves. Which might not be long from now- yesterday I caught Monkey going through J's drawer, picking out receipts (?) and putting them in the toilet. 

2.  If you want to work out along with keep on top of house stuff? There aren't enough hours in the day if you want to do it all before your husband gets home from work or your child returns from daycare.

3.  I kind of miss using my "work" side of the brain- but this can easily be fulfilled by reading a few lengthy NYT articles or reading Bl*eak House, which I have been reading for a little over a month now (or so, not sure... had to take a break the first few weeks of H*llary's life due to exhaustion, etc...).

4.  But mostly I just miss socializing at work....

5.  But not enough to want to go back to that hellhole.  Seriously, this break was all I needed to reassure myself that I need a new job.  Not that I didn't know that already.  It's not even the actual work that stressed me out- it was the culture, the atmosphere of workaholics who hate their jobs and their lives.  It's a totally toxic environment.  I mean, it totally blows to have to start job hunting in an economy where all the news is "NOBODY HAS A F*CKING JOB, ESPECIALLY NOT L*WYERS" but I refuse to succumb to this negativity.  While many average joes do not have jobs, if you look at the actual statistics, this economic climate is mostly hurting inner city african american men.  I'm none of those things.  So I'm not going to use that as my excuse for idleness and hopelessness.  I will remain hopeful and optimistic.  Even if it takes me years and years to find a job.  Don't get me wrong- I'm not quitting.  But I get my reviews back shortly and I have a feeling they will be asking me to leave!!! EEKS!  I will keep you posted. And you may need to remind me of my vow to remain positive.  My blessed 2 or 3 readers, you of all people know how unhappy I've been at this job.  I pray that (1) I am not stuck there forever and (2) if/when I am set free that I can find a job that I like that pays me enough to pay for childcare and also the minimum (at least) on my student loans.

I suppose this could be my new year's resolution. Remember last year's? More social events I believe were on the agenda. We had 2 parties.  Perhaps I will throw a Xmas rager or something to feel like my resolution was fulfilled.  Oh, the other one? An E-Z pass. Never got one.  Now I feel like a real loser.

Other resolutions:


2. "To try to be a LITTLE bit more organized. I mean, everyone is like, 'To be a working mom the key is organization' blah blah blah. But I'm gonna give it a go."  This only happened when I went on maternity leave.  At this moment, I am very organized.  But it is directly tied to the fact that at this very moment, I am technically NOT a "working mom."  I am f*cked upon my return to work.

4. "Crush my thoughts of death."  With the help of medication, I have been mostly successful at this.  Although I do have a tendency to not go places because I am afraid of my kids driving in cars.  Yesterday J said, 'Do you want me to take Monkey on errands with me so you can rest?'  I said, 'No.'  In fairness, this was partially because I wanted to hang out with her, give her lunch and put her down for a nap.  But if I am completely honest with you, dear blog, I was afraid they would get into a car accident and the idea of her not driving around in a car yesterday soothed me.  Did I say I was mostly successful at this?  Well.... I take that back.  I am still a lunatic.


5. "I would like to be more generous of a person as well."  I have been more generous, but I want to continue to try to be more generous.  I realized that I lot of my "not generosity" was tied to my disorganization.  Example: Often forget my mom's bday gift.  This wasn't thriftiness but complete and utter disorganization/forgetfulness.  I would forget her bday until it was too late and then my life would zoom on like a jet engine and I would forget to ever get her one. 


 Man.. this blog entry is making me feel hopeless and depressed about resuming my life as a working mother in the future. I have to focus on the positive: socialization, the hope of one day finding a job/career that I truly enjoy going to and that keeps me busy- but not so busy that I completely forget my own beloved mother's birthday.

On to brighter topics that involve little-to-no introspection: MIL. So, as I reported, my mom dropped the bomb that she wants Tgiving on Tgiving.  Usually we do my dad's the Saturday before, J's fam on Tgiving and my mom the Saturday after.  So I tell her I will run it by J.  I contact Good SIL and ask her what up.  She says they are going to her in-laws so won't be there.  J is like, 'Ok, my family is sort of doing their own thing anyway, Tgiving at your mom's is fine.'  J tells his mom that we're a no-go for Tgiving but we'll be around the Friday after and the Saturday after, etc... for leftovers to see Evil SIL or whoever else is there. Then within the next 2 days, MIL appears to have planned like the Tgiving celebration of all Tgiving celebrations.  Complete with long lost relatives that J would love to see, Good SIL changing her plans and everything.   How did we find this out?  MIL CC's both of us on every email involving their Tgiving plans.  Umm... why the eff are you CC'ing us on your plans if you KNOW that our plans and your plans do not coincide? So what do I do? Being the hormonal female, I call up J and say, 'Look. Let's just do Tgiving at your parents.  Obviously this is what you want.'  J is understandably confused by my estrogen-fueled aggression and responds, 'That isn't what I want.  I don't care what my mom is doing for Tgiving.  I don't know why she is sending us those emails but it is pissing me off.'  I said, 'Is it intentional?'  He said, 'I would like to think that it isn't.'  And then he sent me a text saying, 'Don't think about it.  I'm not.'  Of course, I kept thinking about it.  Man...I feel bad for J!


Then they invited us over to din at their place last night.  She was on her very best behavior (perhaps knowing what a tool she had been? Unclear.).  The only annoying thing she said to me was, 'How does it feel to be the mother of 2 girls?' in a gross baby voice.  I wanted to vomit.