Evaluations

I received them yesterday.  As luck would have it, they came in the mail on WEDNESDAY but the butthead mailman put them in my neighbor's mailbox.  I saw them sitting in my neighbors mailbox but what could I do? Insert curse word right here.

They weren't as bad as I thought they'd be.  I mean... I expected that everyone I worked with/for was going to tell me how bad I sucked.  In reality, only one individual- the par*tner in the office next to mine- said negative things.  It's pretty clear that he just thinks I'm coasting along, which I guess I am.  But it sucks to see that I've been found out by someone.  I felt like he had beef with me all along- never once did he make an effort to "mentor" me (he was my assigned mentor at the f*irm).  Every time I left at 5 to pick up Monk, he'd stare at me from his desk.  He asked me to work with him like once, and then I got pregnant and then never again.  The odd thing is that he said, "She never wrote any articles."  But... I wrote an article with HIM in February... so I'm a little confused.  I'm tempted to email him and ask why that article doesn't count, but... I'm learning I'm just not cut throat enough for any of this stuff.  Maybe I don't want it bad enough.


When I called J crying about the things he said in my review, J emailed a female part*ner he works for and really likes who has 4 children.  She responded to him that she would love to speak with me about this great balance of being a l*awyer and mother simultaneously if I felt comfortable.  I really don't, but her email made me feel like I wasn't hormonal or lazy in my feeling that things aren't working out.  She said that after her first was born, she entered a certain type of law because she knew that in order for their household to work (her husband is also a l*awyer) at least one of them- her or her husband- needed a predictable and flexible schedule; otherwise their lives would be in shambles. She told him that it doesn't seem like I am working with l*awyers who prioritize f*amily (I don't) and that the only thing that saved her was the type of law she was in and the fact that the l*awyers she worked with let her go part-time and respected her part-time schedule (most l*awyers who go part-time are pressured into working full time schedules anyway).  In the back of my mind, I have this little voice that keeps telling me, 'You are spoiled and lazy- tons of people want your job and you are just taking it for granted.  If you quit you will be in the breadline and will be letting down your family.  If you realized how lucky you were, then you would deal with the unpredictability and sacrifice time with your children.'  I haven't sacrificed any time with Monkey since I started and I do not regret that for one moment, but I do feel like that is why I'm not a superstar l*awyer.   So there you have my own personal "para*de of horribl*es."  When I say this to J out loud he responds, 'You are crazy.'  Which is exactly the response I want.  Because it feels crazy when I let my mind wander down that path of "what-ifs."  I definitely have issues with accepting things that are out of my control and trying to control everything.  I always feel like, 'Well if I would have done X or Y then I would be in this great position and I CAN do X and Y.'   My brothers are the opposite of me: they don't stress about career stuff.  I mean, they're not exactly bringing in the dough, but they are a hell of a lot less stressed out than I am.  My little brother used to keep a sign on his wall in his bedroom that basically said, 'There's no point in worrying about yesterday because it's gone and it's never coming back.  There's no point in worrying about tomorrow since you can't do anything about tomorrow until tomorrow becomes today.  So your only worries should involve today.'  And I think the guy really internalized it because he's the most relaxed person I know. 

So I felt better after J forwarded me his co-worker's email and after J called me repeatedly to have me look on the brightside, but I didn't get much sleep the night before, so I needed a nap and a few more hours to pity myself before I put on my big girl panties and got over it.


So there you have it.  The reviews I've dreaded since last year's reviews. 

I remember back when I worked at that terrible job (actually, the job wasn't terrible, but my immediate supervisor was a micro-manager which was really hard to deal with- btw, I was informed that she was finally fired.) I was so nervous about my review.  In that job, I deserved a really bad review- I sat on the internet all day long and emailed my friends.  We all had dead end jobs and a lot of time to kill on the job.  But, in retrospect, I didn't have anything to do.  I was a receptionist and if nobody is calling... wtf, ya know?  But, I FELT like I should have received bad reviews for not, like, being enthusiastic enough.   Me and this woman had had it out many times- she accused me of having a bad attitude (I had a terrible attitude) and I accused her of micromanaging and being impossible to please/work for.  I mean, it shouldn't have been hard: one of my main duties was taking the mail across the street and distributing the day's mail to the rest of the people in the office.  She freaked out every day because I never would put the mail in the right place; yet, I put the mail in the place she told me to put the mail.  She would get angry and either say, "I never told you that" or "Well, I change my mind!"  I mean... I felt like I was working in a funhouse.  A very not fun funhouse.  Anyway, my boss asked where I wanted to eat and I said "Panera" thinking we could be in and out.  It was torture.  Waiting for lunchtime, walking down to get lunch, ordering, small talk.  Literally torture.  I ordered chicken noodle soup and an apple: I had no appetite.  We sat down and she said to me, '99% of success is just showing up.  I can always count on you to come to work and to be on time.  You are doing very well.'  It was like a total mindf*ck.  I couldn't believe my ears.  And then I was like, 'Maybe this lady isn't so bad.'  But of course, the next morning a half hour after I put her mail in her "inbox," she came out to my desk and said, 'Umm.. M? Why did you put my mail in my inbox?' and the games continued....

I am in touch with pretty much everyone else who worked in the office with that lady and she went through multiple receptionists after me, which makes me feel like it wasn't me.  Not feeling successful at work - even when your job is straight up stupid- really screws with your self-esteem.

My current position included.  Well, especially, my current position as it is my chosen profession.  Laugh.  Anyway, apparently my lack of confidence is palpable because the female lawyer who has kids (the only other one in the office) wrote on my review that I need to have more confidence in my work- because I DO know what I am doing and I do it well.  And before I left, the stripper secretary (who I freaking love and miss every day) came into my office and told me that it isn't me: that the 2 attorneys who worked in my position under the people I work for before me left after only a few years: they couldn't handle the feast or famine aspect of this particular position and left.  One went to a smaller f*rm and then eventually to a corporation and is very happy and the other returned to his prior work as a bank*ruptcy l*awyer.  I didn't even tell her I thought it was me.  I'm like meek at work, I guess.  Not hot.  Not hot at all. 

On that note, Monkey is about to wake up from her nap.  And H*llary probably is too.  And I was hoping to shower and work out at this time, but instead I chose to sit here for 45 minutes and pour my heart out to a website.  This morning I was wondering why I do this but then I realized it's because I like it.